I don't get to blog a lot. I have perfect opportunities to all the time, however I don't enjoy sitting in my bedroom on the computer when I could be spending time with my son or doing something that needs to be done. He is sleeping now, and I find myself in the mood to blog out of nowhere!
I'm pregnant again. I'm actually excited for the new baby, only because it's almost like my second chance at a few things that I felt like I didn't do correctly with Blake. Breastfeeding would be a good example. I had an inconvenient job that made Blake and my sleep schedule collide, so I wasn't producing the milk he needed. This made me very upset because I loved our bonding time while he ate. It was like he only needed me and I loved that. However, all good things come to an end for one reason or another, and for that, I've learned to accept the fact that maybe there was a reason my milk production stopped.
Now that I have a better job, and a normal work schedule, I'm hoping my second round at breastfeeding will work out in a successful manner.
Blake is 18 months now and running and talking and being a crazy toddler, just as scheduled. He's taken up sign language much more efficiently than he has actually speaking. I enjoy his sign language. He doesn't just use it to be extremely cute. He also uses it to communicate with me. He lets me know when he'd like milk, or a drink (which means something other than milk). He allows me to see when he'd like to eat. When a diaper is needed, he looks down dramatically and grabs his crotch region. (Hilarious!) My favorite though, is when we're talking about a baby, or when he would like to talk to the baby in Mommy's belly, or kiss the baby, he sways his arms back and forth and smiles so big. I adore that one most of all. We practice his sign language every day. And every couple days, he surprises me with a new sign I've never seen him do. He does often copy us, but then usually, later in the day, he won't do the sign again unless we show him. I enjoy most when he comes up to me and shows me a sign on his own. It makes me proud and happy as can be. That's the best part of being pregnant again. Wondering how this new baby will learn and if they will pick things up the way Blake did or if they'll speak more quickly rather than walking? Hmm...pondering pondering pondering.
The only thing I've noticed with this pregnancy so far has been that I'm an emotional wreck, but only when it is most inconvenient for me to be such a wreck! Some examples: when I'm watching Blake alone, when I'm at work, when I'm alone completely, when I have pretty much no way of having anyone assist in calming me down or reassuring me that I'm just hormonal. Of course I know I'm hormonal, I'm pregnant, it's bound to happen. I suppose I just wasn't prepared for this strong of feelings to happen to me again. I'm completely unsure of what I want anymore. I am back to wondering if I'm actually emotionally stable enough to be a mother. I cry all the time. Especially when I smack Blake's hand when he does something bad. I feel like the worst mom ever when I smack his hand, but I do feel like he needs to learn somehow. He knows what no means, and he has shown me that he does know the meaning of that word by acknowledging the fact that when I say it, he stops what he's doing. However, he continues to test me and see what happens when he does what I tell him not to do, and therefore, I smack his hand. I feel awful every time I do it, and I end up crying.
The other thing is that I suppose I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready for another child. I cried today, very dramatically I might add, because I had to cancel one of my OBGYN appointments that was at 10:30am today. My fiance failed to tell me until last night, that he had work at 8am this morning and that he just noticed my appointment on the calendar and thought he should tell me. Well, I obviously cannot take an 18 month old into an appointment where I'm receiving a pelvic exam and most likely listening to the heartbeat of the new baby. Therefore, I had to cancel my appointment. I had asked my dad if he could watch Blake, and dad had actually given me a call around 8:30am to see if I had made arrangements for Blake while I attend my appointment. I lied and told my dad yes, because I didn't want him to have to leave work just so I could go to an appointment that can easily be rescheduled. You can't reschedule work, so that's my thought process on it. My sister also called me later to verify that I had someone, and I told her yes. I just didn't want to cry over the phone again. It didn't seem like something that was a big enough deal to make anyone worry, so why tell them that I cancelled it?
Because of how upset I was over cancelling the appointment, I barely paid any attention to the receptionist on the phone who rescheduled me to January 7th, 2013 and clumsily wrote the appointment on the calendar without a care. Once I finally was able to calm down a little, I realized a few things all at once. I work every Monday, and getting time off at my job is absolutely impossible, especially since I'm a new hire. My appointment is a Monday, of course. There's no way I'll be able to attend that. So, at the risk of embarrassing myself, I'm going to wait until a few days before the appointment and reschedule again...hopefully this time, my fiance will request that day off of work (since he doesn't have a set schedule) and we won't have this dilemma again....
This day has been rather emotional for me, but it also started out that way. I woke this morning knowing I had no way of going to my appointment, and decided that it was probably a good time to just sleep in while Blake was sleeping in. That also wasn't able to happen due to my fiance losing the house keys. This wouldn't upset me, except that when he does something wrong, he makes the biggest deal in the world about it. It's nothing as simple as calmly saying, "Babe, can you please help me find the keys? I've misplaced them." or anything of that sort. Not with him. It is like the world is deteriorating and we're all going to die because he can't find the keys and its everyone's fault but his, until you tell him he was the last one with the keys, then he's the worst person on the planet and all I do is make him feel like shit.
Anyway....I assisted him in looking for the keys, until I saw how he was looking for them. He lifted up the chair, and threw it down like a child with a toy and a temper tantrum. He then continued to go into the bathroom and search through the dirty laundry by throwing it all over the bathroom. Next, he went up into our bedroom and flipped my box of art supplies (because apparently lifting it to look under it and setting it back down just wasn't a logical option), and then tearing everything off of the bed to look there as well. Then proceeded to tell me I wasn't looking good enough...
I didn't know that if I didn't wreck the house, I wasn't looking well enough. Although, I must admit, I was a little distracted by trying to fix his messes as he went along...so maybe I wasn't looking well enough? Maybe I was cleaning up a mess that had no reason to be made?
With that morning start off, he finally found the keys behind our radiators in the living room and instantly calmed himself, acted like nothing had happened, and picked up Blake (who had just watched his father's temper tantrum in awe) and kissed him and blamed him for playing with Daddy's keys, then came over, kissed me on the head and told me he'd see us after work.
After he left, I burst into tears because I didn't even know how to handle such a situation...I didn't want Blake to see me crying, so I set him in the living room, turned on a Baby Einsteins DVD, and proceeded to clean up a little, everywhere, that Blake was unable to see me. After about 10 minutes of cleaning/crying, I decided it's much more effective to sit and cry and try to calm myself down, instead of continuously looking at the way my fiance destroyed my home, and then walked off like nothing had happened. As you can tell, I'm not quite over it yet, however, I never have a way TO get over it. If I try to talk to him, he won't listen and he tells me "I really just don't want to talk about it right now..." and that same sentence always comes out of his mouth every time...so of course he's never at fault and I'm always the one making him feel like crap, and nothing ever needs to be fixed.
I know what you're thinking, I'm totally ranting and maybe we DO need marriage counseling or something to assist us with the stress of him being a schizophrenic ass hole and me being an overly emotional bitch, but what can I say? He doesn't have health insurance and I'm not willing to pay for him to casually lie to someone and tell them he's fine and that I'm just pregnant and hormonal...
Blake is now awake and watching the Lion King 2. He seems to love that movie lately. I adore the way he stares at it and tries roaring at me and growling. It's rather amusing. He's the only person who makes me feel better. <3 Maybe that's why I feel awful for punishing him when I need to...I know that sometimes he has to have time out, but I feel awful giving him those time outs and such. Maybe, I feel awful doing it because even when I sit him down for time out, he still looks at me and smiles like I'm just the most hilarious person in the world. This is definitely sometimes very aggravating depending on the severity of the situation at hand, especially because he makes me think of his father when he does this, but I calm myself, and realize he's just a generally happy toddler and he just makes me giggle along with him. He knows how to get away with everything with Mommy. <3
He's an amazing eater for me. I worry sometimes if he's not eating enough, or if he gets fed enough while I'm at work and maybe that's why he's such a pig when I get home? I'm not sure if these are normal concerns or if I'm just completely not-trusting of anyone who watches my son except for my mom and my sisters? Hmm...
I've also found it very difficult for me to be able to talk to anyone around me about any of my concerns or my fears or anything really. This also may be a source of my emotions building up and drowning myself in tears when no one is around...it's the only time I have to let it go, and I feel AWFUL that Blake has to be the only one around when I release everything because he should never have to see me like this, but I am rather good at keeping him occupied long enough for me to get out my sorrows and return to him like nothing happened. I fear that I actually have no one to talk to that I can trust anymore. I don't have any therapists that make me feel comfortable. I obviously can't talk to my fiance (which I find terrible because I should be able to talk to him more than most people). I can't talk to my mother, because I've found she says the same thing every time...and it never helps. I can't talk to my dad, he just tells me to grow up. I'm afraid of talking to anyone else because of the fear of someone passing judgement on me and telling me how much of a terrible mom I am or something horrific. I have no friends to talk to anymore which is part of the reason I'm so depressed lately. I'm no longer able to talk to my best friend, due to various issues that have been going on in both of our lives. This has legitimately driven me to feel the need to just put my feelings and thoughts and issues out to the public because they don't know who I am and I'm actually very comforted by that.
I need to go now. I've ranted and put everything out there for the world to judge me on, and I think it's a good time to go and ask Blake what he likes about the movie right now. I always get a different answer. He'll cheer me up. :-)
Happy Holidays everyone.
