Ups and Downs :)

I'm beginning to realize that my pregnancy has its ups and downs. I've been having quite a bit of trouble getting my bowels to move, but after I do, I tend to feel so great that I don't even give a shit. (No pun intended!!) :) Also, Blake seems to always be very happy after I take a big poop!! I tend to have to push really hard, so I feel bad for squeezing him for the hour and a half that I have to sit on the toilet, but other than that, he gets very excited once its out. So excited, in fact, that he decides to kick my colon to reassure me that there's nothing left, and then return to sleep mode. :) I love my little guy. <3


Good news that ISN'T gross:  Kyle and I went to apply for low income housing today. We really need a place of our own, and I just really want to be able to start my family in our own place. It just seems like a much better option to me. I love my sister and my nephews, but this house is so crowded because of us being here. It's honestly not really us anymore either. We got all of our wonderful presents from the baby shower and now the place is just packed. Not counting the fact that our room is in the basement and the bathroom and kitchen are upstairs!! Lol. (Prego nightmare!!!) I'm so glad that I didn't get the crazy peeing problems that most pregnant women get. I am able to hold my pee just as well as I was able to before I was pregnant, and I consider this a wonderful gift. Mainly because of the bathroom being upstairs. I don't ever feel the need to rush up the steps to get to the bathroom, so I'm never in danger of falling, and I never end up peeing myself! :)


Anyway - so we applied for a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom place at Hillcrest Commons. For anyone who would like to understand that lived near me, it's kind of like the manor in Seward or New Florence, only a lot nicer and not as many scumbags. :) Lol. I have friends who live in the manors that aren't scumbags, but a lot of people there are. So, please don't take offense if you're one of those friends and are reading this. Haha. I know you're not a scumbag. :)


Now, we didn't have to pay a fee for the application, so it doesn't really bother us that we haven't gotten to look at the place. From the way Kyle's friend described it, the closets are big enough to fit a dresser into, and we probably won't need the 4 dressers we have anyway once we have a closet!! So, that was very exciting for me. I love to hang clothes up rather than folding them and putting them away. Plus, that will give us more space for other things. :) (Which reminds me, if we get this apartment, I hope to be able to remember to go and buy some baby hangers and a lot of hangers for Kyle and I...)


Some other good things about the property there:  there's a playground that is open all the time, and they are getting security cameras installed all over the place sometime next week. :) So that makes me feel like if I need to take a walk to let out some stress at 4AM, then I will feel okay to do so. :) There's also an on-site laundry facility and we get our own key to it so that we can do our laundry whenever we want. This is especially good for me because I tend to always get in the mood to do laundry when it's the LEAST convenient for me. I think I like to do laundry at night because it makes me tired and it helps me to fall asleep. :)




There are even more positives coming my way!! Kyle's aunt recently got kicked out of her nursing home because she is a hoarder and she is hopelessly paranoid. I feel bad, but she was apparently locking her door and saying that everyone was stealing her things and she wouldn't take her medications. :( She's a sweet woman, but she was terribly confused. Now that she's moving out though, she is moving in somewhere that is furnished and she needs someone to take her things. Therefore, Kyle and I are able to get her couch and her bed frame and her back board to her bed. We also are getting some lamps and a microwave (if we need it) and some sort of chair that has a remote with adjustable settings for it. There is also a small dinner table available for us to take if we need it. And Kyle has a computer desk that I would be able to bring so that I finally have somewhere to sit my computer instead of on a dresser right beside my bed. Haha! :)




Kyle has sleeping problems. I wouldn't normally call them problems, but he wants to be able to sleep in the same bed as the baby and me, so the way he sleeps has become problematic. He mainly just has a problem with rolling around a lot and switching his positions roughly. It always wakes me up EVERY TIME HE MOVES and he actually has a problem with rolling over so that he's overlapping me a little (if I'm laying on my back). If I am laying on my side, he tends to just bump into me and stop. :) However, the first thing I thought of was, OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF HE CAN'T BUMP INTO BUG AND ROLLS ON TOP OF HIM?!!?!?? And of course, I talked it over with Kyle after I had this concern hit my brain. He said he understands why I'm concerned, but that he doesn't know how he can control it because he's asleep.


I honestly have a problem waking him up too. I never know if he's actually talking to me, or if he's actually sleeping and just answering me in his sleep. He is really good at doing that. I realized how well he did at it for the first time a few weeks ago. He actually told me he wanted a glass of milk. So I told him to go get a glass of milk and to come back to bed. I didn't think anything of it! Next thing I know, he walks over to the wall and stands there touching the wall, but not doing anything else. This is when I realized what was going on, and I kind of freaked out to be honest. I don't like sleep walking. I'm not sure why, but it just freaks me out kind of bad. So I told him that the kitchen was "this way" and walked him into the hallway, and he just stopped. Then he blinks his eyes a few times and squints a little, looks at me and asks what we're doing. I explain that he said he wanted some milk, and that he tried grabbing it from the wall, so I escorted him to the kitchen. He then got a glass of milk and went back to bed like nothing happened. It freaked me out SO bad. And now, I never know whether to think he's actually awake or asleep.


The reason I explain this is because this brings another fear to me. I'm afraid that when the baby cries, he might not actually wake up. I'm sure he will at first, but once he gets used to hearing his cry, maybe he'll dream it and get up and do something that he shouldn't do. This scares me more than you could ever imagine! Because if we're asleep and he says "I'll get him" and he's actually sleep walking and talking, then I won't think anything of it and he'll grab the baby and lay him down on the couch or something then come back to bed. I have no clue what he might do, but I'm honestly afraid!


I don't know how to solve the problem of his sleep walking and talking skills, but I figured we can kind of get him used to the baby sleeping with us if we start now. So, what do I do? I get the orange stuffed elephant that mom got us for Blake, and I stuck him in bed with us. Kyle kind of looked at him and then looked at me (obviously confused) and I explained! Kyle isn't allowed to roll on top of "Bo Bo the Elephant" and he cannot rest his arms across him or lay his head on him or anything of the sort that he couldn't do to a baby! Kyle doesn't know if it will work because of how soft Bo Bo is, but we figured we'd give it a shot. He's a big bigger than a baby, but it should give Kyle the general idea to not roll over and stuff.

Bo Bo :) Sorry he's sideways. :(

It's also fun for me because I have trouble sleeping a lot. Therefore, every time Kyle has rested his elbow or head on Bo Bo, I've made really loud crying noises, and he wakes up instantly, only to look for a moment, realize that it's fake, and then roll back over away from Bo Bo. :) So far, I think we're doing pretty well, but I kind of want to know what will happen once I actually fall asleep and can't make the crying noises. Haha. Kyle's biggest problem right now is that when he gets cold at night, he snuggles up to me because I've been like a heater lately since Blake is my little heater. And because we have Bo Bo between us, it probably bothers him that he basically has to stay cold and deal with it. :(


Well I think I've written enough for one night. :) Goodnight!!

Those God-Awful Stretch Marks

Yes, that's what my topic is about right now; stretch marks. I have plenty of them, but there are ZERO on my stomach. This is just one more thing to make me even more horribly insecure than what I already am. The body parts that I was once proud of, I can never be proud of again unless I pay for expensive creams and stupid things such as those. I started out with only noticing stretch marks on my breasts. They aren't that bad, so I wasn't too worried about them. I figured I'd get them near my boobs because I've never had boobs in my life. They're just entering a C cup at this point and they hurt like hell, yet I have no clue when or how the stretch marks got there. I just woke up one day and kind of noticed them. Now they're getting darker and more stretched out. :(

The next place they're starting to appear now is on my butt. My butt cheeks look like they've developed some sort of tiger appearance syndrome. I'm not even kidding, I'm so sad because I was completely in love with my bum! I mean, I understand that once I'm a mom, the last thing I should be worried about is my sexual appeal. However, I kind of grew up loving my sex appeal and being very proud of it. I can't help but focus on my sex appeal now that I'm pregnant, especially because of the fact that I feel so unattractive. Anyway, my butt looks like it got slapped with a tiger stamp. I loved my bum, and I'm so upset to see it's beauty fading as I get bigger. The stretch marks are starting to go up around my hips as well. It sucks to say, but I am definitely going to have left over stretch marks.   =(

I'll have to look into some stretch mark creams...

Any suggestions?!?!?!

Feeling A Bit Confused...

For the last few days, I've been feeling like I should be worrying about Kyle. I feel like he is hiding things from me and that he's changing - but not in a good way. This scares me entirely because I'm extremely paranoid that he's cheating on me and usually I end up being right about these things. This is what upsets me because I don't want to be right. I know how unattractive I am right now because of my body being so much bigger than it ever has been, and I honestly don't have the energy to do my hair every morning and put makeup on and all that bullshit, so I realize that I most likely tend to look like shit a lot.

I just recently found out that he's been smoking behind my back. Just cigarettes, but he's the one who told me that we BOTH had to quit in the first place. He told me (when we found out I was pregnant) that we would do this together. That's exactly what he told me, he said we would quit together to make it easier on the other person. Obviously, I'm glad I quit because its safer for my baby altogether. However, I don't like that he's trying to say that it isn't that bad that he's been sneaking smoking. I hate it when people tell me something, then they don't stick to it. If you say something, you should keep your word - plain and simple. If you're not going to keep your word, then don't get my hopes up, because I'll end up not wanting to be around you in the end. The worst part with this is that he kept slipping when we first started quitting. He was the one who kept yelling at me every time I tried to have like 2 puffs of a cigarette; he would act like I was doing such wrong.

The main reason it makes me angry is because we got into a fight about him sneaking smoking. I got ticked because I don't think that he should be sneaking them when he was the one who made me quit in the first place. It doesn't make sense to sit there and say that we should quit smoking if you're not even going to stick to it. That is the most irritating thing on the planet to me! The fact that he has been sneaking cigarettes for the past 4 months is seriously driving me insane right now because I thought he was doing so well. I was so proud of him and everyone was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to change and I was defending him solely for that reason! I was sitting there taking shit from everyone that was telling me that and I was defending him because he seemed to be changing. He seemed like he was being a little more careful with his money and I thought he wasn't smoking and everything. I thought he was changing, but it turns out that he was just pretending to change. Wouldn't that basically be considered lying?

I feel so hurt by this and its bringing me to the point of me not wanting to be with him. I love Kyle so much, I really do. However, I can't have someone around me and my child that is going to sit here and basically lie to us or not be able to keep his word. He said he wouldn't hide things anymore once Blake was born - like honestly?!?!?! How stupid do I seem?! That is the dumbest f***ing excuse I've ever heard. He's been saying that EVERYTHING will change after the baby is born. Literally, everything we get into an argument about ends up having the solution of it not happening once Bug is born. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he can't even keep his word now? Am I really supposed to believe him? How do I know he won't pull that shit on my son? My main concern is that he might actually get worse and do it to both of us instead of just me! For example, what if he decides to tell Bug that he'll take him to the playground someday and he ends up just not doing it because he doesn't keep his word. It really worries me because I don't care how much Kyle disappoints me and I don't care how much he hurts me. When it comes to my child though, I really don't want Blake to hate his father. I want him to love him regardless of whether Kyle and I are together or not. Above all, I don't want him disappointing Blake and making him not want to ever do things with him. I want them to be able to bond and stuff and if Kyle always tells Blake that he'll do things with him and then just decides not to do them, then what else can I expect to happen? Blake will most likely put up his defenses and just end up telling me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad and stuff like that and I don't want that to happen whatsoever. And if I really think these things are going to keep happening, then why do I keep giving Kyle all of these chances?


I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I definitely get really worked up about things, but I know that this is something I'm allowed to get worked up over. He sat there and said that we would quit smoking together. Plus, I'm sorry, but he's only 20 and he's been smoking since he was like 18 or something. I've been smoking at least pack a day since I was 13. I've quit before, but it only ever lasted about a week at most. I actually started smoking when I was about 10 or 11, but I would only get to smoke with my friend, and I saw her every day, but not enough to smoke a lot every day. I can't stand that he acts like its so hard to quit, especially when he has been smoking for less than 2 years.


The fact that he's been hiding smoking from me for the past 4 months just makes me wonder what else he's hiding. If he's able to buy cigarettes without me knowing and able to hide them from me and work hard enough to hide the smell and everything from me, then I have no clue what else I could be missing. He could be hiding so much from me right now and I could have no idea. Quite honestly, this feeling I've been having for the past few weeks is just making me think that I'm right to have this bad feeling now that I know about him hiding this from me. I hate this though, I don't want to have to leave Kyle. I love him more than anyone could ever understand and I want things to work out between us, but I can't be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no real relationship to even look forward to having.


This is really upsetting me...I don't know what to do. I know what I would tell my friends to do in this situation, but I hate how much easier it is to say it than to actually do it. Plus, I love Kyle, and I don't want to leave him. There's a lot of things I would miss, but the wrongs should never be able to overpower the good times of a relationship, and the wrongs are beginning to overpower the whole relationship because I feel like I can't believe anything he says. I'm starting to question whether he really has work at the times that he tells me, and I'm beginning to wonder if he really goes to his friend's houses or if he goes elsewhere and that's why he always ends up leaving to go there without asking me if I want to go. It all just seems really shady and selfish and its upsetting me to the point of me coming to the decision that I might not have a choice anymore. He can't handle his money and he can't keep his word. These are two things that I can settle very quickly in court, but I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to. But it's looking like I'll have to.


I hate this...

Pregnancy Ups and Downs

There are so many things that I love about being pregnant! Feeling my little guy in there moving about and getting hiccups are two things that I can't help but giggle at when they happen. Also, he makes me giggle because he seems to be a bit shy, or maybe he's actually just a teaser! He moves ALL THE TIME! However, the minute someone puts their hands on him other than me, he stops moving completely and decides to move again almost right after they remove their hand from my stomach. It's rather hilarious to me, and it makes me think that he treats me special.   ;)

Another thing Blake has been loving to do lately, that I absolutely adore, is stretching! I know I have a small body, but I didn't think he would need to stretch me out as much as he tries to! He stretches a lot and I end up being able to see a tiny thing poking out of me at one side of my stomach, while seeing a big thing poking out at the other end of my stomach! This makes me think that it's his head and his feet pushing against the sides of my stomach. I really love it! And, one day he was pushing his body all the way out, and I swear I could see the outline of him. I saw his head, then I saw his back leading to his tiny little bum! It made me so happy just to see almost exactly how big he's getting. It was adorable!!

I'm currently 29 weeks and I'm still having emotional problems. Kyle upsets me a lot even though he doesn't mean to whatsoever. He actually tries to joke around with me and I know I'm being stupid about it. I take everything too seriously and I feel really awful about all of it. It's honestly hard though, he says something and I take it seriously without even realizing and I end up making him feel like shit and I don't want to do that to him. I wish I could stop already, but I don't catch myself until I think about the argument or whatever it was later on in the day. Just like right now, he just started cleaning the room and instead of me being appreciative, I just said "you never cared enough to clean it before." Like what the hell is my problem?!?!?! Ugh...I disgust myself.   :(

I've started two new symptoms now that my third trimester has started. I got my first nosebleed EVER about 3 or 4 days ago. It came out of nowhere! It scared me so bad because I don't want to lose blood when my iron levels need to be steady enough for me and the baby! Then, today I took a prego-nap around 3pm. I woke up around 6:30pm and stood up and had acid reflux for the first time! It was ridiculous! It burned my throat so bad and I thought I was going to throw up for certain. I didn't though. I ended up just getting a bottle of water and every time that awful feeling came to the top of my throat, I gave it a moment to settle and I drank the nice cool water, which would make it feel better for a total of about 10 minutes AT THE MOST. Sometimes it would come back right after I'd drink. It was infuriating! Thank goodness that my brother-in-law has acid reflux all the time and he had some TUMS on hand to settle my curse.   :)

This Sunday coming is my baby shower. My sister is kindly letting me borrow one of her favorite dresses to wear to the event since I have nothing nice to wear that I can actually fit into. (Haha!) It's a nice dress from Victoria's Secret. It makes my boobs look wonderful! I'm very excited for my boobs to look good because I've never had boobs until I got pregnant. I went from ALMOST filling an A cup, to almost getting into a C cup within a few months. And they're only bound to get bigger from here on out (as long as my milk production is normal of course.) I'm so excited. Plus my baby belly looks amazingly adorable in the dress as well! Here is a preview of the dress!

This isn't the exact dress of course, but it's the closest preview I could find of the dress. It's very gorgeous like this one!! The color comes pretty close too!    :)

Well, Kyle wants to play with my GarageBand application on here, so I suppose I will let him have my computer for a while before we officially go to bed. Plus, I don't care how bad this acid reflux is because I'm far too hungry to give a shit. Plus, the TUMS I stole from my brother-in-law will kill that darned acid reflux!   :)

Goodnight!! :)

I'm Sick. (-_-)

I've recently discovered that my nephews have strep throat. My sister took them to the hospital, and they both have strep throat. My throat has been hurting for a while now and I also have been coughing my lungs out for the past couple days. I'm afraid I might have it too, but so far so good. I haven't found any white patches in my mouth or in the back of my throat and I haven't thrown up or anything like that. My body aches like it never has before though, so that's taking a bit of a toll on me. Other than that, I'm doing okay for my body temperature constantly changing. I'm hoping my little guy doesn't get affected by this. I've been doing my best to keep myself as healthy as I can while being sick so that I don't get any worse.

Kyle is sick too, but he was actually vomiting. I've been trying to stay away from him while still trying to help him out and take care of him. It's been a rough day so far...and last night was a rough night as well. I don't really feel well enough to be on the computer for too long, so this post will most likely be small. But I hope to get better soon so I can go back to being a happy "preggers!" Ha.

YAY FOR NEWS!!

Little Bug's heartbeat was at a rate of 160 bpm!  And we've found out that I am 12 weeks along!  This news was so exciting to find out.  I wasn't even that excited going into the doctors office.  However, when they showed me my little Bug in there with his/her heart beating ever so sweetly, I can't even tell you how fast the tears came.  It's funny because I thought my heart was completely broken after an incident in Pittsburgh, where a guy broke my heart for sex and drugs.  But, when I saw my little baby up on that screen, the tears came and I realized that I have never and will never love anyone or anything as much as I do my little Bug!

However, ladies, let me just say that the internal vaginal sonogram they performed on me was NOT pleasant or expected whatsoever!  I didn't even know they had a sonogram that looked at your baby from within you!  Let me just tell you how nervous I got when that doctor pulled out a long thin white shaft and decided to squirt the blue jelly on top like a miniature blue poo!  I didn't have ANY idea what was about to happen to me.  Not only did the doctor make me feel a bit embarrassed when she had to explain to me what it was, but she made me go pink in the cheeks once again when she stuck it under my sheet and said, "Please position this and you'll feel some pressure."  I ALMOST DIED LAUGHING.  As you can already tell, I'm quite immature when it comes to sex.  However, I feel that if you can't laugh at sex, then you'll never feel truly comfortable with it.  Plus, its a lot more fun if you don't feel embarrassed all the time.

Instead of getting embarrassed because you like weird things, you should make a big deal out of it.  If you like biting, and your man looks a little weirded out when you decide to do it, just freak out on him (in a funny manor) and bite him everywhere within 20 seconds.  It'll either tickle him enough to make him laugh, or you'll humor him by acting like a kitten biting on their playmates.  Works every time; ask anyone.

Just A Little Info On The Prego =]

I don't have my real name listed on either of my Google or Blogger accounts. This is for the safety of myself and my soon to be newborn baby. I do have my AIM screen name listed in case you would like to speak with me, and my email if you would like to ask me any questions. However, I'd prefer if anyone who would want to ask me anything or give me tips, to please do it on here.

I don't know how far along I am in my pregnancy yet. I will find that information out on November 17th. So, look forward to a blog post on that day. =]

I know what you're already wondering. Yes, I am only 19. Yes, I feel I am ready for this baby - not exactly fully prepared for the baby's arrival, but definitely ready to love it and do everything and anything I have to in order to make sure he/she has the best life possible. Yes, I'm still with the father of the baby. I plan on trying to make sure that even if we can't be together forever, we can stand each other enough to be able to raise a child together. No, I don't have a college degree, or a steady job. No, I'm not currently in college - however, I plan to try to get into Penn State Online schooling as soon as I possibly can. I previously worked at a Halloween store, but it closed just a few days ago for the season. So, yes, I'm currently out of a job. Yes, I will continue looking for a new job until I find one.

Now that we have that all straightened out, I'm going to end this post, and create a new post where I start actually talking about mothering and other things of that sort. Feedback on any of my posts is appreciated as long as it is appropriate.

=]