I've been having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions today. It worries me because I'm not sure it would be safe to go into labor this early. I think they're just Braxton-Hicks, but I could be wrong about that too I suppose. There are times when I think it's just the baby pushing his body outward, but then my sister looks at my stomach and tells me that I'm most likely having a Braxton-Hicks. It scares me that I can't seem to always know the difference. I would think that I should definitely be able to know the difference between a Braxton-Hicks and my baby moving. =(
I made a To-Do list yesterday of all of the things that I feel need to be done before Blake comes. After I had made the list, I realized that it was 2-sided and it started stressing me out really bad. It stresses me out a lot because for the past week, Kyle and I have been saying that we were going to pack our bags for the hospital, and we still haven't gotten around to it. Every time we go to do it, it's usually at night and he'll either say "yeah let me do this first" (meaning he's on his computer playing a facebook game) or he'll be too tired from working all day and he'll want to sleep. There are times when I am even just too exhausted to actually want to do something like that. =/ Does this make me a bad mommy? Blake's bag is already packed; Kyle just hasn't packed his and I haven't packed mine.
I just added like 3 things to the To-Do list while sitting here thinking about everything. I'm starting to get really nervous. I'm not sure how much more stress I can take upon myself. Kyle can't get stressed out or he'll just get moody and end up flipping out all the time again. So, I'm trying to just put as little responsibility on him as possible. He has a lot of big responsibilities right now, but they're ones that he can handle without a problem. But, let me just tell you an example of him not being mature enough to even help me with things...
Earlier today, I was stressing out because my Braxton-Hicks were happenings a bit more frequently than I'd like them to, and I wanted to lay down on the couch. I sat down and asked him if he could move (in a nice way) so that I could stretch my feet out and I started to have a Braxton-Hicks while I was asking him to move. Well, he took his jolly old good time getting off the couch and decided to slide off of it, onto the floor, but keep his upper body resting on the couch. This started to aggravate me because he takes SO LONG to do ANYTHING. (It wouldn't be as aggravating if he didn't take forever to do everything I ask of him.) So, instead, I calmed myself a little, still having the Braxton-Hicks contraction going on, and I said, "Babe, please hurry up and move I really need to extend my legs right now." And he still stayed there and decided to stretch and take forever. So, I couldn't stand my legs being all bunched up with me anymore and it was starting to be really uncomfortable, and I pushed my legs against him and pushed him away from the couch. Then, he got all pissed off and started moving even slower (in slow motion) on purpose. This is not very mature, especially when it was starting to cause me serious pain. It also started to stress me out really bad for some reason and I almost began panicking. Then, he finally gets off the couch, but stays in his stupid slow motion scene that he continues to reenact, and he decides to pretend to punch me in slow motion, then pretends to punch the table in slow motion, then pretends to punch his laptop across the room in slow motion. This is not a mature way to act and it was pissing me off more. I almost wanted to kick him and tell him to fucking stop it before I kicked him, but I knew that wouldn't make anything better. I'm not sure why all of this upset me so much, but its ridiculous that he couldn't just move when I was having a Braxton-Hicks and it makes me think that if I get aggravated while going into labor and offend him, he's going to get all emotional and aggravate me more by doing this stupid shit. I can't even tell you how aggravating he gets. I love him, more than I could ever explain. But, when he does this shit, he tries to be funny while still letting out his anger, and it pisses me off to no end. It makes me want to seriously hurt him. >=0
I'm going to try to write in my journal. I need to relax. I also have to finish filling out the thank you letters from my baby shower so that maybe I can finally send them out today. Maybe that'll calm me down. Ugh, I'm starting to get a headache. ='(
4.21.2011
4.19.2011
Ups and Downs :)
I'm beginning to realize that my pregnancy has its ups and downs. I've been having quite a bit of trouble getting my bowels to move, but after I do, I tend to feel so great that I don't even give a shit. (No pun intended!!) :) Also, Blake seems to always be very happy after I take a big poop!! I tend to have to push really hard, so I feel bad for squeezing him for the hour and a half that I have to sit on the toilet, but other than that, he gets very excited once its out. So excited, in fact, that he decides to kick my colon to reassure me that there's nothing left, and then return to sleep mode. :) I love my little guy. <3
Good news that ISN'T gross: Kyle and I went to apply for low income housing today. We really need a place of our own, and I just really want to be able to start my family in our own place. It just seems like a much better option to me. I love my sister and my nephews, but this house is so crowded because of us being here. It's honestly not really us anymore either. We got all of our wonderful presents from the baby shower and now the place is just packed. Not counting the fact that our room is in the basement and the bathroom and kitchen are upstairs!! Lol. (Prego nightmare!!!) I'm so glad that I didn't get the crazy peeing problems that most pregnant women get. I am able to hold my pee just as well as I was able to before I was pregnant, and I consider this a wonderful gift. Mainly because of the bathroom being upstairs. I don't ever feel the need to rush up the steps to get to the bathroom, so I'm never in danger of falling, and I never end up peeing myself! :)
Anyway - so we applied for a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom place at Hillcrest Commons. For anyone who would like to understand that lived near me, it's kind of like the manor in Seward or New Florence, only a lot nicer and not as many scumbags. :) Lol. I have friends who live in the manors that aren't scumbags, but a lot of people there are. So, please don't take offense if you're one of those friends and are reading this. Haha. I know you're not a scumbag. :)
Now, we didn't have to pay a fee for the application, so it doesn't really bother us that we haven't gotten to look at the place. From the way Kyle's friend described it, the closets are big enough to fit a dresser into, and we probably won't need the 4 dressers we have anyway once we have a closet!! So, that was very exciting for me. I love to hang clothes up rather than folding them and putting them away. Plus, that will give us more space for other things. :) (Which reminds me, if we get this apartment, I hope to be able to remember to go and buy some baby hangers and a lot of hangers for Kyle and I...)
Some other good things about the property there: there's a playground that is open all the time, and they are getting security cameras installed all over the place sometime next week. :) So that makes me feel like if I need to take a walk to let out some stress at 4AM, then I will feel okay to do so. :) There's also an on-site laundry facility and we get our own key to it so that we can do our laundry whenever we want. This is especially good for me because I tend to always get in the mood to do laundry when it's the LEAST convenient for me. I think I like to do laundry at night because it makes me tired and it helps me to fall asleep. :)
There are even more positives coming my way!! Kyle's aunt recently got kicked out of her nursing home because she is a hoarder and she is hopelessly paranoid. I feel bad, but she was apparently locking her door and saying that everyone was stealing her things and she wouldn't take her medications. :( She's a sweet woman, but she was terribly confused. Now that she's moving out though, she is moving in somewhere that is furnished and she needs someone to take her things. Therefore, Kyle and I are able to get her couch and her bed frame and her back board to her bed. We also are getting some lamps and a microwave (if we need it) and some sort of chair that has a remote with adjustable settings for it. There is also a small dinner table available for us to take if we need it. And Kyle has a computer desk that I would be able to bring so that I finally have somewhere to sit my computer instead of on a dresser right beside my bed. Haha! :)
Kyle has sleeping problems. I wouldn't normally call them problems, but he wants to be able to sleep in the same bed as the baby and me, so the way he sleeps has become problematic. He mainly just has a problem with rolling around a lot and switching his positions roughly. It always wakes me up EVERY TIME HE MOVES and he actually has a problem with rolling over so that he's overlapping me a little (if I'm laying on my back). If I am laying on my side, he tends to just bump into me and stop. :) However, the first thing I thought of was, OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF HE CAN'T BUMP INTO BUG AND ROLLS ON TOP OF HIM?!!?!?? And of course, I talked it over with Kyle after I had this concern hit my brain. He said he understands why I'm concerned, but that he doesn't know how he can control it because he's asleep.
I honestly have a problem waking him up too. I never know if he's actually talking to me, or if he's actually sleeping and just answering me in his sleep. He is really good at doing that. I realized how well he did at it for the first time a few weeks ago. He actually told me he wanted a glass of milk. So I told him to go get a glass of milk and to come back to bed. I didn't think anything of it! Next thing I know, he walks over to the wall and stands there touching the wall, but not doing anything else. This is when I realized what was going on, and I kind of freaked out to be honest. I don't like sleep walking. I'm not sure why, but it just freaks me out kind of bad. So I told him that the kitchen was "this way" and walked him into the hallway, and he just stopped. Then he blinks his eyes a few times and squints a little, looks at me and asks what we're doing. I explain that he said he wanted some milk, and that he tried grabbing it from the wall, so I escorted him to the kitchen. He then got a glass of milk and went back to bed like nothing happened. It freaked me out SO bad. And now, I never know whether to think he's actually awake or asleep.
The reason I explain this is because this brings another fear to me. I'm afraid that when the baby cries, he might not actually wake up. I'm sure he will at first, but once he gets used to hearing his cry, maybe he'll dream it and get up and do something that he shouldn't do. This scares me more than you could ever imagine! Because if we're asleep and he says "I'll get him" and he's actually sleep walking and talking, then I won't think anything of it and he'll grab the baby and lay him down on the couch or something then come back to bed. I have no clue what he might do, but I'm honestly afraid!
I don't know how to solve the problem of his sleep walking and talking skills, but I figured we can kind of get him used to the baby sleeping with us if we start now. So, what do I do? I get the orange stuffed elephant that mom got us for Blake, and I stuck him in bed with us. Kyle kind of looked at him and then looked at me (obviously confused) and I explained! Kyle isn't allowed to roll on top of "Bo Bo the Elephant" and he cannot rest his arms across him or lay his head on him or anything of the sort that he couldn't do to a baby! Kyle doesn't know if it will work because of how soft Bo Bo is, but we figured we'd give it a shot. He's a big bigger than a baby, but it should give Kyle the general idea to not roll over and stuff.
It's also fun for me because I have trouble sleeping a lot. Therefore, every time Kyle has rested his elbow or head on Bo Bo, I've made really loud crying noises, and he wakes up instantly, only to look for a moment, realize that it's fake, and then roll back over away from Bo Bo. :) So far, I think we're doing pretty well, but I kind of want to know what will happen once I actually fall asleep and can't make the crying noises. Haha. Kyle's biggest problem right now is that when he gets cold at night, he snuggles up to me because I've been like a heater lately since Blake is my little heater. And because we have Bo Bo between us, it probably bothers him that he basically has to stay cold and deal with it. :(
Well I think I've written enough for one night. :) Goodnight!!
Good news that ISN'T gross: Kyle and I went to apply for low income housing today. We really need a place of our own, and I just really want to be able to start my family in our own place. It just seems like a much better option to me. I love my sister and my nephews, but this house is so crowded because of us being here. It's honestly not really us anymore either. We got all of our wonderful presents from the baby shower and now the place is just packed. Not counting the fact that our room is in the basement and the bathroom and kitchen are upstairs!! Lol. (Prego nightmare!!!) I'm so glad that I didn't get the crazy peeing problems that most pregnant women get. I am able to hold my pee just as well as I was able to before I was pregnant, and I consider this a wonderful gift. Mainly because of the bathroom being upstairs. I don't ever feel the need to rush up the steps to get to the bathroom, so I'm never in danger of falling, and I never end up peeing myself! :)
Anyway - so we applied for a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom place at Hillcrest Commons. For anyone who would like to understand that lived near me, it's kind of like the manor in Seward or New Florence, only a lot nicer and not as many scumbags. :) Lol. I have friends who live in the manors that aren't scumbags, but a lot of people there are. So, please don't take offense if you're one of those friends and are reading this. Haha. I know you're not a scumbag. :)
Now, we didn't have to pay a fee for the application, so it doesn't really bother us that we haven't gotten to look at the place. From the way Kyle's friend described it, the closets are big enough to fit a dresser into, and we probably won't need the 4 dressers we have anyway once we have a closet!! So, that was very exciting for me. I love to hang clothes up rather than folding them and putting them away. Plus, that will give us more space for other things. :) (Which reminds me, if we get this apartment, I hope to be able to remember to go and buy some baby hangers and a lot of hangers for Kyle and I...)
Some other good things about the property there: there's a playground that is open all the time, and they are getting security cameras installed all over the place sometime next week. :) So that makes me feel like if I need to take a walk to let out some stress at 4AM, then I will feel okay to do so. :) There's also an on-site laundry facility and we get our own key to it so that we can do our laundry whenever we want. This is especially good for me because I tend to always get in the mood to do laundry when it's the LEAST convenient for me. I think I like to do laundry at night because it makes me tired and it helps me to fall asleep. :)
There are even more positives coming my way!! Kyle's aunt recently got kicked out of her nursing home because she is a hoarder and she is hopelessly paranoid. I feel bad, but she was apparently locking her door and saying that everyone was stealing her things and she wouldn't take her medications. :( She's a sweet woman, but she was terribly confused. Now that she's moving out though, she is moving in somewhere that is furnished and she needs someone to take her things. Therefore, Kyle and I are able to get her couch and her bed frame and her back board to her bed. We also are getting some lamps and a microwave (if we need it) and some sort of chair that has a remote with adjustable settings for it. There is also a small dinner table available for us to take if we need it. And Kyle has a computer desk that I would be able to bring so that I finally have somewhere to sit my computer instead of on a dresser right beside my bed. Haha! :)
Kyle has sleeping problems. I wouldn't normally call them problems, but he wants to be able to sleep in the same bed as the baby and me, so the way he sleeps has become problematic. He mainly just has a problem with rolling around a lot and switching his positions roughly. It always wakes me up EVERY TIME HE MOVES and he actually has a problem with rolling over so that he's overlapping me a little (if I'm laying on my back). If I am laying on my side, he tends to just bump into me and stop. :) However, the first thing I thought of was, OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF HE CAN'T BUMP INTO BUG AND ROLLS ON TOP OF HIM?!!?!?? And of course, I talked it over with Kyle after I had this concern hit my brain. He said he understands why I'm concerned, but that he doesn't know how he can control it because he's asleep.
I honestly have a problem waking him up too. I never know if he's actually talking to me, or if he's actually sleeping and just answering me in his sleep. He is really good at doing that. I realized how well he did at it for the first time a few weeks ago. He actually told me he wanted a glass of milk. So I told him to go get a glass of milk and to come back to bed. I didn't think anything of it! Next thing I know, he walks over to the wall and stands there touching the wall, but not doing anything else. This is when I realized what was going on, and I kind of freaked out to be honest. I don't like sleep walking. I'm not sure why, but it just freaks me out kind of bad. So I told him that the kitchen was "this way" and walked him into the hallway, and he just stopped. Then he blinks his eyes a few times and squints a little, looks at me and asks what we're doing. I explain that he said he wanted some milk, and that he tried grabbing it from the wall, so I escorted him to the kitchen. He then got a glass of milk and went back to bed like nothing happened. It freaked me out SO bad. And now, I never know whether to think he's actually awake or asleep.
The reason I explain this is because this brings another fear to me. I'm afraid that when the baby cries, he might not actually wake up. I'm sure he will at first, but once he gets used to hearing his cry, maybe he'll dream it and get up and do something that he shouldn't do. This scares me more than you could ever imagine! Because if we're asleep and he says "I'll get him" and he's actually sleep walking and talking, then I won't think anything of it and he'll grab the baby and lay him down on the couch or something then come back to bed. I have no clue what he might do, but I'm honestly afraid!
I don't know how to solve the problem of his sleep walking and talking skills, but I figured we can kind of get him used to the baby sleeping with us if we start now. So, what do I do? I get the orange stuffed elephant that mom got us for Blake, and I stuck him in bed with us. Kyle kind of looked at him and then looked at me (obviously confused) and I explained! Kyle isn't allowed to roll on top of "Bo Bo the Elephant" and he cannot rest his arms across him or lay his head on him or anything of the sort that he couldn't do to a baby! Kyle doesn't know if it will work because of how soft Bo Bo is, but we figured we'd give it a shot. He's a big bigger than a baby, but it should give Kyle the general idea to not roll over and stuff.
 |
| Bo Bo :) Sorry he's sideways. :( |
It's also fun for me because I have trouble sleeping a lot. Therefore, every time Kyle has rested his elbow or head on Bo Bo, I've made really loud crying noises, and he wakes up instantly, only to look for a moment, realize that it's fake, and then roll back over away from Bo Bo. :) So far, I think we're doing pretty well, but I kind of want to know what will happen once I actually fall asleep and can't make the crying noises. Haha. Kyle's biggest problem right now is that when he gets cold at night, he snuggles up to me because I've been like a heater lately since Blake is my little heater. And because we have Bo Bo between us, it probably bothers him that he basically has to stay cold and deal with it. :(
Well I think I've written enough for one night. :) Goodnight!!
4.01.2011
Those God-Awful Stretch Marks
Yes, that's what my topic is about right now; stretch marks. I have plenty of them, but there are ZERO on my stomach. This is just one more thing to make me even more horribly insecure than what I already am. The body parts that I was once proud of, I can never be proud of again unless I pay for expensive creams and stupid things such as those. I started out with only noticing stretch marks on my breasts. They aren't that bad, so I wasn't too worried about them. I figured I'd get them near my boobs because I've never had boobs in my life. They're just entering a C cup at this point and they hurt like hell, yet I have no clue when or how the stretch marks got there. I just woke up one day and kind of noticed them. Now they're getting darker and more stretched out. :(
The next place they're starting to appear now is on my butt. My butt cheeks look like they've developed some sort of tiger appearance syndrome. I'm not even kidding, I'm so sad because I was completely in love with my bum! I mean, I understand that once I'm a mom, the last thing I should be worried about is my sexual appeal. However, I kind of grew up loving my sex appeal and being very proud of it. I can't help but focus on my sex appeal now that I'm pregnant, especially because of the fact that I feel so unattractive. Anyway, my butt looks like it got slapped with a tiger stamp. I loved my bum, and I'm so upset to see it's beauty fading as I get bigger. The stretch marks are starting to go up around my hips as well. It sucks to say, but I am definitely going to have left over stretch marks. =(
I'll have to look into some stretch mark creams...
Any suggestions?!?!?!
The next place they're starting to appear now is on my butt. My butt cheeks look like they've developed some sort of tiger appearance syndrome. I'm not even kidding, I'm so sad because I was completely in love with my bum! I mean, I understand that once I'm a mom, the last thing I should be worried about is my sexual appeal. However, I kind of grew up loving my sex appeal and being very proud of it. I can't help but focus on my sex appeal now that I'm pregnant, especially because of the fact that I feel so unattractive. Anyway, my butt looks like it got slapped with a tiger stamp. I loved my bum, and I'm so upset to see it's beauty fading as I get bigger. The stretch marks are starting to go up around my hips as well. It sucks to say, but I am definitely going to have left over stretch marks. =(
I'll have to look into some stretch mark creams...
Any suggestions?!?!?!
Feeling A Bit Confused...
For the last few days, I've been feeling like I should be worrying about Kyle. I feel like he is hiding things from me and that he's changing - but not in a good way. This scares me entirely because I'm extremely paranoid that he's cheating on me and usually I end up being right about these things. This is what upsets me because I don't want to be right. I know how unattractive I am right now because of my body being so much bigger than it ever has been, and I honestly don't have the energy to do my hair every morning and put makeup on and all that bullshit, so I realize that I most likely tend to look like shit a lot.
I just recently found out that he's been smoking behind my back. Just cigarettes, but he's the one who told me that we BOTH had to quit in the first place. He told me (when we found out I was pregnant) that we would do this together. That's exactly what he told me, he said we would quit together to make it easier on the other person. Obviously, I'm glad I quit because its safer for my baby altogether. However, I don't like that he's trying to say that it isn't that bad that he's been sneaking smoking. I hate it when people tell me something, then they don't stick to it. If you say something, you should keep your word - plain and simple. If you're not going to keep your word, then don't get my hopes up, because I'll end up not wanting to be around you in the end. The worst part with this is that he kept slipping when we first started quitting. He was the one who kept yelling at me every time I tried to have like 2 puffs of a cigarette; he would act like I was doing such wrong.
The main reason it makes me angry is because we got into a fight about him sneaking smoking. I got ticked because I don't think that he should be sneaking them when he was the one who made me quit in the first place. It doesn't make sense to sit there and say that we should quit smoking if you're not even going to stick to it. That is the most irritating thing on the planet to me! The fact that he has been sneaking cigarettes for the past 4 months is seriously driving me insane right now because I thought he was doing so well. I was so proud of him and everyone was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to change and I was defending him solely for that reason! I was sitting there taking shit from everyone that was telling me that and I was defending him because he seemed to be changing. He seemed like he was being a little more careful with his money and I thought he wasn't smoking and everything. I thought he was changing, but it turns out that he was just pretending to change. Wouldn't that basically be considered lying?
I feel so hurt by this and its bringing me to the point of me not wanting to be with him. I love Kyle so much, I really do. However, I can't have someone around me and my child that is going to sit here and basically lie to us or not be able to keep his word. He said he wouldn't hide things anymore once Blake was born - like honestly?!?!?! How stupid do I seem?! That is the dumbest f***ing excuse I've ever heard. He's been saying that EVERYTHING will change after the baby is born. Literally, everything we get into an argument about ends up having the solution of it not happening once Bug is born. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he can't even keep his word now? Am I really supposed to believe him? How do I know he won't pull that shit on my son? My main concern is that he might actually get worse and do it to both of us instead of just me! For example, what if he decides to tell Bug that he'll take him to the playground someday and he ends up just not doing it because he doesn't keep his word. It really worries me because I don't care how much Kyle disappoints me and I don't care how much he hurts me. When it comes to my child though, I really don't want Blake to hate his father. I want him to love him regardless of whether Kyle and I are together or not. Above all, I don't want him disappointing Blake and making him not want to ever do things with him. I want them to be able to bond and stuff and if Kyle always tells Blake that he'll do things with him and then just decides not to do them, then what else can I expect to happen? Blake will most likely put up his defenses and just end up telling me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad and stuff like that and I don't want that to happen whatsoever. And if I really think these things are going to keep happening, then why do I keep giving Kyle all of these chances?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I definitely get really worked up about things, but I know that this is something I'm allowed to get worked up over. He sat there and said that we would quit smoking together. Plus, I'm sorry, but he's only 20 and he's been smoking since he was like 18 or something. I've been smoking at least pack a day since I was 13. I've quit before, but it only ever lasted about a week at most. I actually started smoking when I was about 10 or 11, but I would only get to smoke with my friend, and I saw her every day, but not enough to smoke a lot every day. I can't stand that he acts like its so hard to quit, especially when he has been smoking for less than 2 years.
The fact that he's been hiding smoking from me for the past 4 months just makes me wonder what else he's hiding. If he's able to buy cigarettes without me knowing and able to hide them from me and work hard enough to hide the smell and everything from me, then I have no clue what else I could be missing. He could be hiding so much from me right now and I could have no idea. Quite honestly, this feeling I've been having for the past few weeks is just making me think that I'm right to have this bad feeling now that I know about him hiding this from me. I hate this though, I don't want to have to leave Kyle. I love him more than anyone could ever understand and I want things to work out between us, but I can't be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no real relationship to even look forward to having.
This is really upsetting me...I don't know what to do. I know what I would tell my friends to do in this situation, but I hate how much easier it is to say it than to actually do it. Plus, I love Kyle, and I don't want to leave him. There's a lot of things I would miss, but the wrongs should never be able to overpower the good times of a relationship, and the wrongs are beginning to overpower the whole relationship because I feel like I can't believe anything he says. I'm starting to question whether he really has work at the times that he tells me, and I'm beginning to wonder if he really goes to his friend's houses or if he goes elsewhere and that's why he always ends up leaving to go there without asking me if I want to go. It all just seems really shady and selfish and its upsetting me to the point of me coming to the decision that I might not have a choice anymore. He can't handle his money and he can't keep his word. These are two things that I can settle very quickly in court, but I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to. But it's looking like I'll have to.
I hate this...
I just recently found out that he's been smoking behind my back. Just cigarettes, but he's the one who told me that we BOTH had to quit in the first place. He told me (when we found out I was pregnant) that we would do this together. That's exactly what he told me, he said we would quit together to make it easier on the other person. Obviously, I'm glad I quit because its safer for my baby altogether. However, I don't like that he's trying to say that it isn't that bad that he's been sneaking smoking. I hate it when people tell me something, then they don't stick to it. If you say something, you should keep your word - plain and simple. If you're not going to keep your word, then don't get my hopes up, because I'll end up not wanting to be around you in the end. The worst part with this is that he kept slipping when we first started quitting. He was the one who kept yelling at me every time I tried to have like 2 puffs of a cigarette; he would act like I was doing such wrong.
The main reason it makes me angry is because we got into a fight about him sneaking smoking. I got ticked because I don't think that he should be sneaking them when he was the one who made me quit in the first place. It doesn't make sense to sit there and say that we should quit smoking if you're not even going to stick to it. That is the most irritating thing on the planet to me! The fact that he has been sneaking cigarettes for the past 4 months is seriously driving me insane right now because I thought he was doing so well. I was so proud of him and everyone was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to change and I was defending him solely for that reason! I was sitting there taking shit from everyone that was telling me that and I was defending him because he seemed to be changing. He seemed like he was being a little more careful with his money and I thought he wasn't smoking and everything. I thought he was changing, but it turns out that he was just pretending to change. Wouldn't that basically be considered lying?
I feel so hurt by this and its bringing me to the point of me not wanting to be with him. I love Kyle so much, I really do. However, I can't have someone around me and my child that is going to sit here and basically lie to us or not be able to keep his word. He said he wouldn't hide things anymore once Blake was born - like honestly?!?!?! How stupid do I seem?! That is the dumbest f***ing excuse I've ever heard. He's been saying that EVERYTHING will change after the baby is born. Literally, everything we get into an argument about ends up having the solution of it not happening once Bug is born. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he can't even keep his word now? Am I really supposed to believe him? How do I know he won't pull that shit on my son? My main concern is that he might actually get worse and do it to both of us instead of just me! For example, what if he decides to tell Bug that he'll take him to the playground someday and he ends up just not doing it because he doesn't keep his word. It really worries me because I don't care how much Kyle disappoints me and I don't care how much he hurts me. When it comes to my child though, I really don't want Blake to hate his father. I want him to love him regardless of whether Kyle and I are together or not. Above all, I don't want him disappointing Blake and making him not want to ever do things with him. I want them to be able to bond and stuff and if Kyle always tells Blake that he'll do things with him and then just decides not to do them, then what else can I expect to happen? Blake will most likely put up his defenses and just end up telling me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad and stuff like that and I don't want that to happen whatsoever. And if I really think these things are going to keep happening, then why do I keep giving Kyle all of these chances?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I definitely get really worked up about things, but I know that this is something I'm allowed to get worked up over. He sat there and said that we would quit smoking together. Plus, I'm sorry, but he's only 20 and he's been smoking since he was like 18 or something. I've been smoking at least pack a day since I was 13. I've quit before, but it only ever lasted about a week at most. I actually started smoking when I was about 10 or 11, but I would only get to smoke with my friend, and I saw her every day, but not enough to smoke a lot every day. I can't stand that he acts like its so hard to quit, especially when he has been smoking for less than 2 years.
The fact that he's been hiding smoking from me for the past 4 months just makes me wonder what else he's hiding. If he's able to buy cigarettes without me knowing and able to hide them from me and work hard enough to hide the smell and everything from me, then I have no clue what else I could be missing. He could be hiding so much from me right now and I could have no idea. Quite honestly, this feeling I've been having for the past few weeks is just making me think that I'm right to have this bad feeling now that I know about him hiding this from me. I hate this though, I don't want to have to leave Kyle. I love him more than anyone could ever understand and I want things to work out between us, but I can't be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no real relationship to even look forward to having.
This is really upsetting me...I don't know what to do. I know what I would tell my friends to do in this situation, but I hate how much easier it is to say it than to actually do it. Plus, I love Kyle, and I don't want to leave him. There's a lot of things I would miss, but the wrongs should never be able to overpower the good times of a relationship, and the wrongs are beginning to overpower the whole relationship because I feel like I can't believe anything he says. I'm starting to question whether he really has work at the times that he tells me, and I'm beginning to wonder if he really goes to his friend's houses or if he goes elsewhere and that's why he always ends up leaving to go there without asking me if I want to go. It all just seems really shady and selfish and its upsetting me to the point of me coming to the decision that I might not have a choice anymore. He can't handle his money and he can't keep his word. These are two things that I can settle very quickly in court, but I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to. But it's looking like I'll have to.
I hate this...
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