For the last few days, I've been feeling like I should be worrying about Kyle. I feel like he is hiding things from me and that he's changing - but not in a good way. This scares me entirely because I'm extremely paranoid that he's cheating on me and usually I end up being right about these things. This is what upsets me because I don't want to be right. I know how unattractive I am right now because of my body being so much bigger than it ever has been, and I honestly don't have the energy to do my hair every morning and put makeup on and all that bullshit, so I realize that I most likely tend to look like shit a lot.
I just recently found out that he's been smoking behind my back. Just cigarettes, but he's the one who told me that we BOTH had to quit in the first place. He told me (when we found out I was pregnant) that we would do this together. That's exactly what he told me, he said we would quit together to make it easier on the other person. Obviously, I'm glad I quit because its safer for my baby altogether. However, I don't like that he's trying to say that it isn't that bad that he's been sneaking smoking. I hate it when people tell me something, then they don't stick to it. If you say something, you should keep your word - plain and simple. If you're not going to keep your word, then don't get my hopes up, because I'll end up not wanting to be around you in the end. The worst part with this is that he kept slipping when we first started quitting. He was the one who kept yelling at me every time I tried to have like 2 puffs of a cigarette; he would act like I was doing such wrong.
The main reason it makes me angry is because we got into a fight about him sneaking smoking. I got ticked because I don't think that he should be sneaking them when he was the one who made me quit in the first place. It doesn't make sense to sit there and say that we should quit smoking if you're not even going to stick to it. That is the most irritating thing on the planet to me! The fact that he has been sneaking cigarettes for the past 4 months is seriously driving me insane right now because I thought he was doing so well. I was so proud of him and everyone was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to change and I was defending him solely for that reason! I was sitting there taking shit from everyone that was telling me that and I was defending him because he seemed to be changing. He seemed like he was being a little more careful with his money and I thought he wasn't smoking and everything. I thought he was changing, but it turns out that he was just pretending to change. Wouldn't that basically be considered lying?
I feel so hurt by this and its bringing me to the point of me not wanting to be with him. I love Kyle so much, I really do. However, I can't have someone around me and my child that is going to sit here and basically lie to us or not be able to keep his word. He said he wouldn't hide things anymore once Blake was born - like honestly?!?!?! How stupid do I seem?! That is the dumbest f***ing excuse I've ever heard. He's been saying that EVERYTHING will change after the baby is born. Literally, everything we get into an argument about ends up having the solution of it not happening once Bug is born. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he can't even keep his word now? Am I really supposed to believe him? How do I know he won't pull that shit on my son? My main concern is that he might actually get worse and do it to both of us instead of just me! For example, what if he decides to tell Bug that he'll take him to the playground someday and he ends up just not doing it because he doesn't keep his word. It really worries me because I don't care how much Kyle disappoints me and I don't care how much he hurts me. When it comes to my child though, I really don't want Blake to hate his father. I want him to love him regardless of whether Kyle and I are together or not. Above all, I don't want him disappointing Blake and making him not want to ever do things with him. I want them to be able to bond and stuff and if Kyle always tells Blake that he'll do things with him and then just decides not to do them, then what else can I expect to happen? Blake will most likely put up his defenses and just end up telling me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad and stuff like that and I don't want that to happen whatsoever. And if I really think these things are going to keep happening, then why do I keep giving Kyle all of these chances?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I definitely get really worked up about things, but I know that this is something I'm allowed to get worked up over. He sat there and said that we would quit smoking together. Plus, I'm sorry, but he's only 20 and he's been smoking since he was like 18 or something. I've been smoking at least pack a day since I was 13. I've quit before, but it only ever lasted about a week at most. I actually started smoking when I was about 10 or 11, but I would only get to smoke with my friend, and I saw her every day, but not enough to smoke a lot every day. I can't stand that he acts like its so hard to quit, especially when he has been smoking for less than 2 years.
The fact that he's been hiding smoking from me for the past 4 months just makes me wonder what else he's hiding. If he's able to buy cigarettes without me knowing and able to hide them from me and work hard enough to hide the smell and everything from me, then I have no clue what else I could be missing. He could be hiding so much from me right now and I could have no idea. Quite honestly, this feeling I've been having for the past few weeks is just making me think that I'm right to have this bad feeling now that I know about him hiding this from me. I hate this though, I don't want to have to leave Kyle. I love him more than anyone could ever understand and I want things to work out between us, but I can't be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no real relationship to even look forward to having.
This is really upsetting me...I don't know what to do. I know what I would tell my friends to do in this situation, but I hate how much easier it is to say it than to actually do it. Plus, I love Kyle, and I don't want to leave him. There's a lot of things I would miss, but the wrongs should never be able to overpower the good times of a relationship, and the wrongs are beginning to overpower the whole relationship because I feel like I can't believe anything he says. I'm starting to question whether he really has work at the times that he tells me, and I'm beginning to wonder if he really goes to his friend's houses or if he goes elsewhere and that's why he always ends up leaving to go there without asking me if I want to go. It all just seems really shady and selfish and its upsetting me to the point of me coming to the decision that I might not have a choice anymore. He can't handle his money and he can't keep his word. These are two things that I can settle very quickly in court, but I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to. But it's looking like I'll have to.
I hate this...
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