Hormonal Everything.

I don't get to blog a lot.  I have perfect opportunities to all the time, however I don't enjoy sitting in my bedroom on the computer when I could be spending time with my son or doing something that needs to be done.  He is sleeping now, and I find myself in the mood to blog out of nowhere!

I'm pregnant again.  I'm actually excited for the new baby, only because it's almost like my second chance at a few things that I felt like I didn't do correctly with Blake.  Breastfeeding would be a good example.  I had an inconvenient job that made Blake and my sleep schedule collide, so I wasn't producing the milk he needed.  This made me very upset because I loved our bonding time while he ate.  It was like he only needed me and I loved that.  However, all good things come to an end for one reason or another, and for that, I've learned to accept the fact that maybe there was a reason my milk production stopped.

Now that I have a better job, and a normal work schedule, I'm hoping my second round at breastfeeding will work out in a successful manner.

Blake is 18 months now and running and talking and being a crazy toddler, just as scheduled.  He's taken up sign language much more efficiently than he has actually speaking.  I enjoy his sign language.  He doesn't just use it to be extremely cute.  He also uses it to communicate with me.  He lets me know when he'd like milk, or a drink (which means something other than milk).  He allows me to see when he'd like to eat.  When a diaper is needed, he looks down dramatically and grabs his crotch region.  (Hilarious!)  My favorite though, is when we're talking about a baby, or when he would like to talk to the baby in Mommy's belly, or kiss the baby, he sways his arms back and forth and smiles so big.  I adore that one most of all.  We practice his sign language every day.  And every couple days, he surprises me with a new sign I've never seen him do.  He does often copy us, but then usually, later in the day, he won't do the sign again unless we show him.  I enjoy most when he comes up to me and shows me a sign on his own.  It makes me proud and happy as can be.  That's the best part of being pregnant again.  Wondering how this new baby will learn and if they will pick things up the way Blake did or if they'll speak more quickly rather than walking?  Hmm...pondering pondering pondering.

The only thing I've noticed with this pregnancy so far has been that I'm an emotional wreck, but only when it is most inconvenient for me to be such a wreck!  Some examples:  when I'm watching Blake alone, when I'm at work, when I'm alone completely, when I have pretty much no way of having anyone assist in calming me down or reassuring me that I'm just hormonal.  Of course I know I'm hormonal, I'm pregnant, it's bound to happen.  I suppose I just wasn't prepared for this strong of feelings to happen to me again.  I'm completely unsure of what I want anymore.  I am back to wondering if I'm actually emotionally stable enough to be a mother.  I cry all the time.  Especially when I smack Blake's hand when he does something bad.  I feel like the worst mom ever when I smack his hand, but I do feel like he needs to learn somehow.  He knows what no means, and he has shown me that he does know the meaning of that word by acknowledging the fact that when I say it, he stops what he's doing.  However, he continues to test me and see what happens when he does what I tell him not to do, and therefore, I smack his hand.  I feel awful every time I do it, and I end up crying.

The other thing is that I suppose I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready for another child.  I cried today, very dramatically I might add, because I had to cancel one of my OBGYN appointments that was at 10:30am today.  My fiance failed to tell me until last night, that he had work at 8am this morning and that he just noticed my appointment on the calendar and thought he should tell me.  Well, I obviously cannot take an 18 month old into an appointment where I'm receiving a pelvic exam and most likely listening to the heartbeat of the new baby.  Therefore, I had to cancel my appointment.  I had asked my dad if he could watch Blake, and dad had actually given me a call around 8:30am to see if I had made arrangements for Blake while I attend my appointment.  I lied and told my dad yes, because I didn't want him to have to leave work just so I could go to an appointment that can easily be rescheduled.  You can't reschedule work, so that's my thought process on it.  My sister also called me later to verify that I had someone, and I told her yes.  I just didn't want to cry over the phone again.  It didn't seem like something that was a big enough deal to make anyone worry, so why tell them that I cancelled it?

Because of how upset I was over cancelling the appointment, I barely paid any attention to the receptionist on the phone who rescheduled me to January 7th, 2013 and clumsily wrote the appointment on the calendar without a care.  Once I finally was able to calm down a little, I realized a few things all at once.  I work every Monday, and getting time off at my job is absolutely impossible, especially since I'm a new hire.  My appointment is a Monday, of course.  There's no way I'll be able to attend that.  So, at the risk of embarrassing myself, I'm going to wait until a few days before the appointment and reschedule again...hopefully this time, my fiance will request that day off of work (since he doesn't have a set schedule) and we won't have this dilemma again....

This day has been rather emotional for me, but it also started out that way.  I woke this morning knowing I had no way of going to my appointment, and decided that it was probably a good time to just sleep in while Blake was sleeping in.  That also wasn't able to happen due to my fiance losing the house keys.  This wouldn't upset me, except that when he does something wrong, he makes the biggest deal in the world about it.  It's nothing as simple as calmly saying, "Babe, can you please help me find the keys? I've misplaced them." or anything of that sort.  Not with him.  It is like the world is deteriorating and we're all going to die because he can't find the keys and its everyone's fault but his, until you tell him he was the last one with the keys, then he's the worst person on the planet and all I do is make him feel like shit.

Anyway....I assisted him in looking for the keys, until I saw how he was looking for them.  He lifted up the chair, and threw it down like a child with a toy and a temper tantrum.  He then continued to go into the bathroom and search through the dirty laundry by throwing it all over the bathroom.  Next, he went up into our bedroom and flipped my box of art supplies (because apparently lifting it to look under it and setting it back down just wasn't a logical option), and then tearing everything off of the bed to look there as well.  Then proceeded to tell me I wasn't looking good enough...

I didn't know that if I didn't wreck the house, I wasn't looking well enough.  Although, I must admit, I was a little distracted by trying to fix his messes as he went along...so maybe I wasn't looking well enough?  Maybe I was cleaning up a mess that had no reason to be made?

With that morning start off, he finally found the keys behind our radiators in the living room and instantly calmed himself, acted like nothing had happened, and picked up Blake (who had just watched his father's temper tantrum in awe) and kissed him and blamed him for playing with Daddy's keys, then came over, kissed me on the head and told me he'd see us after work.

After he left, I burst into tears because I didn't even know how to handle such a situation...I didn't want Blake to see me crying, so I set him in the living room, turned on a Baby Einsteins DVD, and proceeded to clean up a little, everywhere, that Blake was unable to see me.  After about 10 minutes of cleaning/crying, I decided it's much more effective to sit and cry and try to calm myself down, instead of continuously looking at the way my fiance destroyed my home, and then walked off like nothing had happened.  As you can tell, I'm not quite over it yet, however, I never have a way TO get over it.  If I try to talk to him, he won't listen and he tells me "I really just don't want to talk about it right now..." and that same sentence always comes out of his mouth every time...so of course he's never at fault and I'm always the one making him feel like crap, and nothing ever needs to be fixed.

I know what you're thinking, I'm totally ranting and maybe we DO need marriage counseling or something to assist us with the stress of him being a schizophrenic ass hole and me being an overly emotional bitch, but what can I say? He doesn't have health insurance and I'm not willing to pay for him to casually lie to someone and tell them he's fine and that I'm just pregnant and hormonal...

Blake is now awake and watching the Lion King 2.  He seems to love that movie lately.  I adore the way he stares at it and tries roaring at me and growling.  It's rather amusing.  He's the only person who makes me feel better. <3  Maybe that's why I feel awful for punishing him when I need to...I know that sometimes he has to have time out, but I feel awful giving him those time outs and such.  Maybe, I feel awful doing it because even when I sit him down for time out, he still looks at me and smiles like I'm just the most hilarious person in the world.  This is definitely sometimes very aggravating depending on the severity of the situation at hand, especially because he makes me think of his father when he does this, but I calm myself, and realize he's just a generally happy toddler and he just makes me giggle along with him.  He knows how to get away with everything with Mommy. <3

He's an amazing eater for me.  I worry sometimes if he's not eating enough, or if he gets fed enough while I'm at work and maybe that's why he's such a pig when I get home?  I'm not sure if these are normal concerns or if I'm just completely not-trusting of anyone who watches my son except for my mom and my sisters?  Hmm...

I've also found it very difficult for me to be able to talk to anyone around me about any of my concerns or my fears or anything really.  This also may be a source of my emotions building up and drowning myself in tears when no one is around...it's the only time I have to let it go, and I feel AWFUL that Blake has to be the only one around when I release everything because he should never have to see me like this, but I am rather good at keeping him occupied long enough for me to get out my sorrows and return to him like nothing happened.  I fear that I actually have no one to talk to that I can trust anymore.  I don't have any therapists that make me feel comfortable.  I obviously can't talk to my fiance (which I find terrible because I should be able to talk to him more than most people).  I can't talk to my mother, because I've found she says the same thing every time...and it never helps.  I can't talk to my dad, he just tells me to grow up.  I'm afraid of talking to anyone else because of the fear of someone passing judgement on me and telling me how much of a terrible mom I am or something horrific.  I have no friends to talk to anymore which is part of the reason I'm so depressed lately.  I'm no longer able to talk to my best friend, due to various issues that have been going on in both of our lives.  This has legitimately driven me to feel the need to just put my feelings and thoughts and issues out to the public because they don't know who I am and I'm actually very comforted by that.

I need to go now.  I've ranted and put everything out there for the world to judge me on, and I think it's a good time to go and ask Blake what he likes about the movie right now.  I always get a different answer.  He'll cheer me up.  :-)

Happy Holidays everyone.

Blake is Standing and Stepping!

Blake is now a full-on stander! He stands with steadiness and fools us all into thinking he is just ready to walk! Every time he looks up as if he wants to walk to us...then he'll hesitate and sit down slowly, then crawl ferociously toward you! This amuses me greatly. I love my son, he is so silly and he is getting so good at everything he does. He has been watching the Baby Einstein video "First Signs" a lot lately, and he has been showing us all of these signs! It's great because it's such an easier way to communicate for him. He gets everything he needs and he's a very happy baby the majority of the time! Although, we seem to make him angry a lot when we don't know what sign he is showing us. He isn't perfect at signing yet. He gets close, but he doesn't have the hand-eye coordination to be able to do the sign to its exact quality. For example, he loves to do the more sign, and he loves to clap! However, the more sign IS him clapping. He likes to clap for fun, and he also claps when he would like more. This makes things confusing at times. He might clap when you're feeding him, but that doesn't always mean more, and if you try to feed him because you think he wants more, he will smack the utensil out of your hand. My little stinker. <3

As for stepping, Blake has taken 3 or 4 steps now at a time. He likes to do it when he thinks we aren't watching. It's funny. He will only usually step when he is already holding something. It's rather cute if I do say so myself.

He also finds it hilarious if you chase him. We actually witnessed Blake taking his largest amount of steps so far (4) whilst Kyle was chasing him around the couch repeatedly! Blake was walking sideways while holding onto the couch. They had circled quite a few times, then Blake comes around the one side and walks 4 steps and falls. Then, continues to crawl rather speedily around the couch some more.

Blake is actually having a birthday/memorial day party on Monday at a national park. I can't wait! Even though I've probably cried more in the past few days than I should...I just can't believe my son is going to be a year old already. He has gotten so big so fast...

He has been talking more lately. It's funny because he doesn't make much sense most of the time, but if you listen very closely and pay a lot of attention to what he's rambling, you can almost tell what he might be trying to say. I try to pay close attention so that I can acknowledge what he might be trying to say. It's still difficult though.

So...a bad habit that Blake has gotten into somehow is that he for some reason likes to hit/kick in the face or wherever he can. In the mornings, I'll be playing with him and joking around with him, and he will be playing as well. Then out of nowhere, he will start smacking me in the face! If I tell him no, and hold his arms, he then decides that kicking in the face will be just as swell. I have no clue where he learned this, but I'm having a pretty difficult time trying to get him to learn that its bad. He just thinks its so funny and that he can do it non-stop. For some reason, he has also learned to bite. I don't know where he is picking these things up from, but I wish I knew how to make him stop. He's actually very strong and it's starting to hurt pretty badly when he hits me and kicks me.

If anyone has any advice on the last paragraph, please advise on!! Also...if at all possible, I'd like advice on how to get Blake to talk a bit better. I'm excited for him to learn!!!

Very Good Day!!

This has been a very productive morning for Blakey-Boo and me! Obviously, I know it isn't technically morning time, but it is for me since I work overnight and don't fall asleep until 8am. ONTO THE POINT! This morning was like any other morning. Kyle had to go to work, so he woke me up around 1:20pm and said that he had to leave in about ten minutes. This gives me enough time to moan and groan and speak of how I don't want to wake up...so it works out. Kyle puts Blake in bed with me around 1:30pm, and then leaves for work. Blake must have missed me, because he put his forehead to mine, then smiled the sweetest smile ever! He has always done the forehead touch whenever he has missed someone a lot, or when he is trying to show he loves you. I've noticed this about him. It is actually very cute the way he has made up this way of showing affection!

After our foreheads were done cuddling, he decided it was time to play "MY PILLOW!!" This game is so much fun. My son is only 10 months old, and he is very understanding of what this game means! He usually starts it - which is why it makes it so much fun! He smiles and cuddles you, acting like he is just so cute and affectionate...then he sits up and looks at you with the sweetest little faces. However, OUT OF NOWHERE, he flips over, and spreads his arms across your pillow and lays on it. This is when I flop down on a section of the pillow and say, "HEYYY!! That's my pillow!!! You can't take my pillow! This is my pillow!!!" This makes Blake overly excited, and he scoots further up the pillow and keeps his bum in the air. Does he mean to be this cute? HA! This is one of our favorite games. I absolutely adore this game.

I wanted to check my bank account online. This takes me all of about 5 minutes. Apparently that is just not good enough for Blake. I set him in his Pack-and-Play and gave him one of his favorite toys. He played with it for about two minutes, then stood up and started looking around the room. I had just typed in the banking website (after waiting for my mac to start up) and I was typing my user name. Blake started crying a little, and I said, "Hold on buddy, Mommy will be done in a few minutes!" I got my password in, and my account started to load, and Blake decides to SCREAM! This worries me (even though he was right beside me) so I hurry up, take a glance at the available balance in my account, and close the window and jump up. He stops screaming, then proceeds to put his arms up in the air and make what looks like the "milk" sign with both hands. I kind of figured that he wanted up, but I honestly wanted to see if HE knew what he wanted. So I asked, "Oh, would you like some milk?" He gave me a little shriek and got upset for a minute, then started the motion again. So I picked him up, and he was fine. I was highly impressed by this because I had never seen him do it and actually follow through with what he wanted. Sometimes, he would look like he was motioning that he wanted up, but he actually just wanted out of the Pack-and-Play to crawl around. This time was different though! He clung to me like a little leech and I loved it!

I decided to take the little guy downstairs so that we could have a nice little lunch together. I put him on his "big boy chair" after heating up some food for him, and began to feed him. I started doing what I always do, and asking him if he wanted more, and motioning the sign for "more." He watched me do it a few times and let me ask him a few times. He even laughed a few times! However, I put down the bowl and spoon in order to take a drink of my tea, only to look at Blake and notice him staring at his hands, then trying to move them together, then apart, repetitively! He didn't point his fingers together like the sign is meant to look, but he still made his own way of signing for the same thing I wanted him to sign for! And he did it pretty well for being 10 months old! The sign that he makes looks more like a clap, but its his sign! I'm so proud of him! I was very excited and yelling "YAYYYYYYYYYY" in his face for every time he did it, and I would clap. He loved this, so he kept repeating the "more" sign, laughing the entire time that he wasn't chewing. I'm so proud of him! I feel like he is so smart and it makes me so happy to see this much progress in him. I can't wait to see what the rest of the day has in store for us. :)

Did I mention that he can stand for a few seconds? He is doing really well with it. He does the best when you hand him something that you usually don't let him have, (cat toy, car remote, cd, glass candle holder, tv remote, etc.) This seems to intrigue him and he holds the object with both hands, and doesn't realize that he is standing on his own. My mother's cat's toy has been a HUGE deal to Blake since the first day he spotted it. We usually have it sitting up on something where Dolce jump up to get it, but Blake can't reach it. However, yesterday, my mom decided to give Blake the cat toy, and see what would happen. The reason he usually doesn't get this toy is because it has a small bell on the end on a very thin string. This can easily be ripped off if Blake decides to put the bell in his mouth. Also, it has feathers all over the other end of it that Blake has ripped off before. It's just not a good toy for a baby to get possession of. Nonetheless, mom gave him this cat toy, and he grabbed it greedily with both hands and pulled it toward his body as tightly as he possibly could. He just stood there, not even realizing that there was nothing holding him up, not realizing that he wasn't holding anything stationary. I WISH I would've gotten a photo or something to add onto here. He did a wonderful job, until Pappy came bursting through the door yelling, "TINA!!!".....I feel like I live in a sitcom.....

Thanks for listening to my overjoyed motherhood stories. :)

New Stuff

Some updates...

Blake is now 29 inches long.

21 lbs

Talks a little bit - mostly babbles, but he is getting some words in there.

"dada, day, mum, daday, nun Na, gee (Angie), Kay, no, umm" and probably others that I can't think of.

He walks along things and stands by himself, but refuses to stand himself if you try to place him away from something to hold onto. He has taken a very clumsy step a few times.

My favorite entertainment that he has provided me with so far, is that he is quite the musician! I love music, and so does Kyle, so this is very important to us! Blake has his own drumset, and he can beat on it pretty well! He hasn't established any steady beats yet, but he has the concept of hitting the actual drum rather than just swinging his arms rapidly. However, when Kyle and I get too excited about it and say "good job bud!!", he tends to also get overly excited and swing rapidly until his drumset - sometimes followed by himself, falls over.

Another instrument he has taken a liking to is a guitar! He has officially learned the strumming technique. He understands that strumming includes hitting every string from top to bottom! He really likes to strum! He can even keep a semi-steady tempo with plucking one string at a time. We haven't tried letting him use a pick yet. We are too afraid he will eat it. However, his fingers seem to be effective enough! We are very proud of him!

There is one more instrument he has taken a liking to, but he doesn't get to play it very often. The piano at Kyle's mom's house is very interesting to him! After carefully watching me and Aunt Mandi play it, Blake decided he would join in. I was surprised for a while just because all he was doing was watching, but when he finally joined in, I was rather impressed! He didn't BANG on the keys - he actually pressed them with just one finger on each hand. No music was really made. But he seemed to understand that you can either hit one key at a time, or you can hit both at once! He exparamented with the same two keys for a few minutes. Then he accidentally moved his hand, and hit another key. This made him pause for a moment, then he hit that key again. My little guy seems so interested in music!! Let's hope this interest stays with him throughout his whole life!!

As for shows, movies, cartoons, etc. Blake seems to love his Baby Einstein DVD set the most! His favorite DVD of the set is "my first signs." I love this because it is my favorite too! He has learned a few signs from it, but I'm not sure if he legitimately wants the things he is asking for. He has made the sign for milk, which I praised him for, then went And made him a bottle. When I came back with the bottle, he didn't want it, but he was happy about the fact that I was so excited that he made the sign! He also does an odd version of the sign for diaper. He scratches at the front-right side of his hip when he would like a diaper change. He doesn't always do it as soon as he needs one. I've noticed he usually cries and does it when I am busy cleaning or putting clothes away. The crying gets my attention, and then I am able to see him scratching at his diaper, so it is helpful!

He also likes the sign for "all done." He doesn't ever mean it, but he does the sign with one hand, then I say "all done!" and he gets excited. However, when I start to walk away with the food or drink, he cries. So he doesn't exactly mean it, but he acknowledges the fact that he can do it, and that I like it when he does it.

One thing I have been impressed with, is his ability to copy what we do. He once had a habit where he would get upset because he wanted us to put more food in his mouth, even though he still had food in there! This was a problem because he would get really upset with us! Well, we had a little progress one day at Nun-Na's house. I was feeding him, and he kept opening his mouth for more food before he was done chewing. I kept repeating, "no, not until you're done!" Blake heard this about 15 times. Then, I repeated it again, and to my surprise, he chewed his food, and said "done done done!" I was amazed! He said it for the rest of that meal, and he hasn't said it again yet!

I've also realized that he likes it when someone mocks him. He yells, we make the same sound. He says something, we say it too. He smiles excessively and keeps playing the game with us! I absolutely love this! The first time he did it, we were playing with "talking Tom" on my phone. Tom repeats everything we say. Blake tested it out and realized he could do it too! Ever since then, Blake loves it when someone mocks him.

That's all I have for today. Blake needs a nap which means cleaning time for me!