I'm finally a mom! My baby boy was born on May 28th, 2011 at 7 lbs. 6 oz. and 20 inches long! I love him so much. Unlike any other love I've ever felt in my entire life. I wouldn't trade this kind of love for anyone or anything in the world. <3
Now, for those of you who want to know, I can tell you what MY labor felt like. I can also assure you that it won't be the same for everyone. Women's bodies are very strong and can do just about anything. Labor is MEANT for women and I am sure every woman is strong enough to go through labor as long as they reassure themselves they can. Don't psyche yourself out. It definitely doesn't help whatsoever, and it only makes things harder. Give yourself positive thoughts and positive surroundings and you'll have a great labor ahead of you.
My son's name is Blake Anthony Renaud. So, I will now refer to him as Blake throughout the rest of this post. :)
I started laboring around 3AM on May 27th. My contractions were getting pretty intense, but they were about 30 minutes apart. They were intense, but they didn't exactly hurt yet. I was still able to walk around and talk to people and stuff. However, when one would come, I would have to make sure I was breathing through it, and most of the time it was really uncomfortable to sit. I made sure I was walking around as much as possible, but I also had to remind myself that I didn't know how long of a labor I was going to be in, so I wanted to make myself try to get some rest before any of it began. I would sleep in 30 minute increments because the contractions were getting a little stronger and were able to wake me up after a while.
After waiting a while, the contractions were getting to the point that I didn't want to sit or stand anymore, I just wanted to lie down and relax. This is when I decided to call my doctor. (The main reason I wanted to call was because I felt uncomfortable just lying on the couch - I couldn't imagine waiting longer and the contractions getting worse and me having to ride in a car!) I will admit, car rides suck when contractions are intensifying, and they suck even more when the person decides to go fast over bumps and stuff too. Let me also say this really quickly - labor is NOT an emergency. You shouldn't panic just because you are going into labor, and no one around you should panic either. It's a natural thing that has been happening for the same amount of time that humans and every other mammal has been in existence. Labor is something we were made for ladies! Stop being afraid of it!
Anyway, I called my doctor and told her that my contractions are about 5-10 minutes apart now and they're pretty intense. She asked me to come to Geisinger Grays Woods so she could check my dilation. Sure enough, we arrived there and I was 3 1/2 cm dilated and 100% effaced. My contractions were more intense now and it was getting harder for me to walk through them. The car ride from Geisinger to the hospital was awful for me. We stopped at Sheetz to eat, because once I would arrive at the hospital, I wouldn't be allowed to eat anything except for ice chips. Then we were on our way to the hospital.
By time we arrived, I slowly got out of the car and my mother was helping me walk across the parking lot. I kept having to pause every now and then because of the contractions. Then, Kyle got to me with a wheelchair and I sat without arguing. The wheelchair honestly didn't feel any better than walking, so either way, I was content. They took me into my room and a doctor checked how dilated I was again. I was to about 4 cm by that point. The contractions were definitely getting intense. It wasn't a normal pain type of feeling, it was kind of like someone was grabbing my uterus and twisting it. I know that might sound weird. I'm sure some people wonder how you can feel like someone is grabbing and twisting your uterus when you've never felt such a thing, but that's the only way I know how to explain it. It really felt like someone was grabbing, twisting, pulling and yanking at my uterus. That's what a contraction feels like. It's a steady amount of pain, but it is rather painful to me. My sister didn't think the contractions were painful though, so like I said, it's not like it will definitely feel painful to you either. You could have an easy labor. It's true! :)
I went through 11 hours of labor (in the hospital) and had Blake at 1:10AM on May 28th. I know some of you are probably thinking that I had a rather long labor. Honestly, I kind of did, only because my contractions started at 3AM the day before. Here's the other thing though, I definitely didn't feel like I had an 11 hour labor. It felt like I was there for maybe like 3 hours or so. That's it - I'm not even joking. Time went by really fast.
By time I hit 7cm, I realized that I wasn't sure if I could make the rest of the labor without sleep. I was to the point that I was hyperventilating because of my contractions being so intense. They were wearing me out and I just reached the point that I was crying a lot. I was really tired and didn't know how to handle it anymore, so I asked for the epidural. They gave me some type of pain medication through my heplock first to hold me off until the guy got there to give me my epidural. Honestly, all that did was make me loopy. It's true that it took the edge off of the pain, but it was only because I was loopy. Then, when the epidural guy got there, they made me put my arms around the nurse and lean against her. The epidural going in wasn't painful. It surprised me and I did a little jump because I didn't know when it was going to go in, but that was it. No pain.
After my epidural, I could still feel my contractions a little, but a lot of it went away. I was finally able to sleep. After getting some sleep, my nurse checked me again and I had progressed rather quickly from 7cm to 10cm. This is the reason I would recommend the epidural to most people. I was trying to wait it out for as long as I could, but the problem was that I couldn't relax because of the contractions being so intense, therefore, my body wasn't progressing as quickly. Some women can relax through the contractions, but I just wasn't one of them. Like I said, everyone's bodies are different.
My nurse asked me if I was ready to push. I said I was. She started telling me when to push, but after a while, I didn't need her to. I could feel when I needed to push, I just wanted to listen to her the majority of the time. So, after a little while went by, I just started pushing whenever I thought I needed to. It worked out a lot better. I felt the urge to push, and I felt like I needed to push when I felt the need to! Once I started pushing on my command rather than the nurse's, I progressed a lot faster. I just want to make a note here that pushing DID NOT HURT. It was relieving and I didn't feel any pain whatsoever. I didn't tear either - and I think 2 things helped me to NOT tear. My nurse helped my birth canal stretch by massaging it with oil. I believe that helped a lot! Also, I think it helped that I was pushing on my command rather than the doctor's or the nurse's. I definitely believe those things helped me prevent tearing.
I must go now. I have a baby to tend to! :) And he's getting a little fussy. I think he wants some booby!!! :)
6.30.2011
5.18.2011
Just Not Ready
So, we went to the hospital last night after all of the commotion about the contractions went on. My contracts weren't very intense, but they were coming every 5 minutes and lasting about 30 seconds to 1 minute each. I ended up arriving at the emergency part of the hospital around 10:30pm and being put in a wheelchair and taken up to the laboring part of the hospital. They put me in a room and I got changed in the bathroom and gave them a urine sample. Then, they hooked me up to the monitors and checked my cervix to see how dilated I was. This was the part everyone was waiting for because this would determine how close to being in labor I am. My doctor checked me (the most uncomfortable part of the process I've had to go through so far) and she stated that I'm still only 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. I had to stay for an hour and walk around for an hour until they would check me again and tell me the same thing.
I didn't very much enjoy having to walk more after my sister had made me walk all over town all day. My hips were starting to seriously hurt to the point that if I hadn't sat down for a while, I may have fallen. Plus, I have a bad ankle and that was starting to hurt pretty bad as well. Next thing I know, my hour of walking is over and I decide to go rest in my room on the bed for a while. While we were walking around, a woman was going into labor and the door was wide open (curtain closed of course) and she didn't seem to be having any problems with the pushing whatsoever. She barely made noise and seemed to have her breathing under control and everything. As soon as I sat in my bed, apparently she was crowning and ended up screaming her head off! I found this ridiculous because of how well she was doing all that time to remain calm and everything. This would have scared me had I not known that such a reaction rarely happens.
Just want to say though, that I walked past her room again, and her baby was adorable. :)
My computer may die, so I'm going to leave it at this. :)
I didn't very much enjoy having to walk more after my sister had made me walk all over town all day. My hips were starting to seriously hurt to the point that if I hadn't sat down for a while, I may have fallen. Plus, I have a bad ankle and that was starting to hurt pretty bad as well. Next thing I know, my hour of walking is over and I decide to go rest in my room on the bed for a while. While we were walking around, a woman was going into labor and the door was wide open (curtain closed of course) and she didn't seem to be having any problems with the pushing whatsoever. She barely made noise and seemed to have her breathing under control and everything. As soon as I sat in my bed, apparently she was crowning and ended up screaming her head off! I found this ridiculous because of how well she was doing all that time to remain calm and everything. This would have scared me had I not known that such a reaction rarely happens.
Just want to say though, that I walked past her room again, and her baby was adorable. :)
My computer may die, so I'm going to leave it at this. :)
5.17.2011
Worries...
So my sister is excited for the baby to get here now. So excited that she asks me every 10 minutes if the baby is coming yet. Not going to lie, I have grown tired of being this uncomfortable. Also, I don't like how hard it has been for me to fall asleep and my back is always killing me. However, I don't want to induce my labor whatsoever.
Today, I mentioned that I was tired of being pregnant and that I just wanted him out now...BIG MISTAKE ON MY PART!! My brother-in-law decided to tell my sister that I said that and now she's doing everything in her power to try and make me have contractions. We went on a very long walk today (yes, I started to contract about every 5 minutes, but the contractions weren't very intense). Now, she is allowing me a break as long as I continue to drink raspberry tea for the rest of the night. She wants the baby to come tonight apparently...
Also, I found out that the only reason my contractions have continued as I sit here, is because raspberry tea has caffeine in it which causes me to start contracting, and because it dehydrates me, which causes serious contractions. I love raspberry tea, but I want my water back...I don't mind contracting because if it's supposed to happen it will, but being dehydrated is just unhealthy and its starting to scare me. I don't like that she's making me do this and even though I've told her that I don't want to have the baby tonight, she just ignores me and tells me to drink more and that I need to just have the baby because he obviously doesn't have any room anymore and blah blah blah. I'm starting to get really upset because being dehydrated isn't healthy and I don't want my labor to be induced. I'm scared to be honest, and I feel like I'm being pushed into doing something that I'm not ready to do. If the labor was coming on by itself, I'd feel more okay about it, but this is just upsetting me to the point that I don't know how much longer I can be nice to her and say no at the same time.
I love my sister, but this seems really unhealthy to me and being dehydrated is making me more tired. I finally got 2 bottles of water sitting beside me, but she is still making me chug raspberry tea. :( Time to go for another walk I suppose.
Today, I mentioned that I was tired of being pregnant and that I just wanted him out now...BIG MISTAKE ON MY PART!! My brother-in-law decided to tell my sister that I said that and now she's doing everything in her power to try and make me have contractions. We went on a very long walk today (yes, I started to contract about every 5 minutes, but the contractions weren't very intense). Now, she is allowing me a break as long as I continue to drink raspberry tea for the rest of the night. She wants the baby to come tonight apparently...
Also, I found out that the only reason my contractions have continued as I sit here, is because raspberry tea has caffeine in it which causes me to start contracting, and because it dehydrates me, which causes serious contractions. I love raspberry tea, but I want my water back...I don't mind contracting because if it's supposed to happen it will, but being dehydrated is just unhealthy and its starting to scare me. I don't like that she's making me do this and even though I've told her that I don't want to have the baby tonight, she just ignores me and tells me to drink more and that I need to just have the baby because he obviously doesn't have any room anymore and blah blah blah. I'm starting to get really upset because being dehydrated isn't healthy and I don't want my labor to be induced. I'm scared to be honest, and I feel like I'm being pushed into doing something that I'm not ready to do. If the labor was coming on by itself, I'd feel more okay about it, but this is just upsetting me to the point that I don't know how much longer I can be nice to her and say no at the same time.
I love my sister, but this seems really unhealthy to me and being dehydrated is making me more tired. I finally got 2 bottles of water sitting beside me, but she is still making me chug raspberry tea. :( Time to go for another walk I suppose.
5.14.2011
My Boyfriend's Job.....
I am about to go on a serious rant right now. My boyfriend works at a local grocery store in Philipsburg, Pennsylvania. I cannot give you the name of the store because apparently, it is illegal if I give out certain information about the store. Since I don't work there, however, I don't really give a shit whether I give out their information or not. Plus, I won't be actually giving out information on the store or the way it works; I'll just be giving out information about one specific manager and how much he fucking sucks at his job.
My boyfriend came home to me today and was very upset about something a manager did, AGAIN. Yes, this kind of stuff happens all of the time, only not in such a scale as what it did today. This is what happened at Kyle's work today...
Apparently, someone decided to tell Larry (a manager at Kyle's work) that Kyle hadn't punched out for lunch until 20 minutes after he had already gone on his lunch. Kyle gets a 30 minute lunch, so there are 2 things that Larry probably thought. Either one: Kyle punched out 20 minutes after he started his lunch, then punched back in 10 minutes later once his 30 minutes was up; or, Kyle took basically a 20 minute break, then punched out for lunch and took a normal 30 minute lunch - totaling in 50 minutes of lunch. With those two options of Larry's thoughts out in the open, I'd like to state that if he thought the first option that I listed, then he's even more fucking retarded than anyone I've met in my life.
Here's why the first option isn't even possible - at Kyle's work, if you punch out of the clock, you can't punch in 1o minutes later. It will not allow you to punch back in until at least 15 minutes has gone by because that is the shortest amount of time allowed for a break from an employee. Therefore, Larry would be really stupid to believe that Kyle would even be able to punch back in 10 minutes later. Plus, I'm not sure why he would care if Kyle WOULD have done that because he was still only taking a 30 minute break at that point.
As for the second option, I'm not sure how anyone would be able to tell if Kyle had gone on lunch 20 minutes before he clocked out unless they were LOOKING for something to get him in trouble for. Kyle already said that this didn't happen, so obviously this person wasn't paying attention as well as they thought they were anyway. Kyle went straight from his register to the clock in order to punch out for lunch. However, if someone WAS watching my boyfriend that closely, then they need to be fired for not doing anything at work. They are obviously a bad employee if they can sit there for 20 minutes and pay attention to my boyfriend and when he goes into the break room, when he comes out, when he clocks in and out, etc. I also think Larry should consider that Kyle would NOT be trying to fuck up his job right now with a baby on the way and an apartment in our future. Kyle does make bad decisions sometimes like every other human on this planet, but he would NEVER do something that could cause him to lose his job. He knows how much he would lose, and trust me, it would be far more than just the apartment, his car, and me...
The reason I stated that the manager (Larry) sucks at his job is because he brought Kyle into the back room and was FURIOUS at him about this. He had no proof that Kyle had done it, and he had no reason to believe that Kyle had done it. Kyle has never done anything to get in trouble at work. He's always been one of their best employees and never gets in trouble because he never does anything to get into trouble. So, Larry automatically flipping out on Kyle the way that he did shows that he's not a very good manager in the first place. He should've asked Kyle if he had done it, and if Kyle admitted to it, then get angry if need be. Lashing out the way that he did just shows that he has no self control and that he shouldn't be in charge of a store full of employees. Kyle had even told him that if Larry would just check the video of the store, it would show Kyle clocking out and back in. If he would check the clock, it would show that he took a 30 minute lunch as well. However, the video would be more appropriate so that they could watch Kyle at his register, then see that the same time he left his register is the same time that he went over to the clock and clocked out.
I wouldn't be so angry about this, had it been me hearing about the manager for the first time. However, it's not the first time I've heard complaints about this manager. Kyle has come home numerous times telling me about stupid things that Larry has done. For example, the policy at Kyle's work is that if you want to request days off, you are to request them 3 weeks in advance. Obviously, we have no problem with that. Kyle had decided to request off April 27th and 28th for my parents' birthday so that we could go to Salamanca, NY with them for 2 days. He requested those days off 4 weeks in advance to make sure he got them off without any hassle. Once that week had come up, Kyle's schedule for the week was shown to him and he didn't have those days off. Larry is the one who deals with the scheduling, so when Kyle asked him why he didn't give him the days off, Larry responded by telling him that if he wanted them off so bad, he could just switch with someone. This pisses me off because Larry is supposed to be the responsible manager, and he's not in any way responsible or manager material whatsoever. It turns out that he never even pays attention to when people request days off because he just doesn't want to have to put more effort into scheduling people. Also, a manager should be able to admit that he made a mistake and fix it, not tell you that you have to get someone to cover for you.
Kyle isn't the only one who complains about Larry either. I won't mention names just in case someone decides to show this to him, but there are 3 other people I've heard large complaints from. Not going into full detail - but one girl had mentioned once when Larry had scheduled her to be stocking with people during a midnight shift, and she was pregnant and had never stocked once - she had always been on register or at the courtesy desk. Larry had told her that she just wouldn't get those hours that week.
Next case was from a male worker and he had mentioned that he was promised a few things from Larry. Apparently, Larry had mentioned a promotion for this person to the courtesy desk within the next month or so. The guy telling me this has worked there for a year and a half. Larry promised him that promotion a year ago, then mentioned it again in September of 2010, then mentioned it again in November, but never actually gave the person the promotion. Obviously there's nothing in writing that says that Larry HAS to give this guy the promotion he was promised, but its just messed up that he would sit there and say that he is going to give someone a promotion when he obviously isn't going to do anything. Since the guy wasn't getting the promotion, he started helping out with stocking every now and then. He found out that he was really good at stocking and talked to the manager that takes care of the people who stock and the people who do night crew. The manager said that he really needs more people and that he wants the guy to work back there as soon as possible. The guy tried talking to Larry about it and Larry wouldn't let him be a stocking person. He had no reason for it except for he supposedly REALLY needed him in the front end. Not only is it wrong of him to refuse him a job that he obviously would be better at doing, but 2 days before this person asked Larry if he could switch, Larry was complaining that they had too many people working front end and that he might have to lay people off. He never laid people off, so he had no reason to keep this person around. Plus, Larry was still in the process of hiring more people which just proves even more that he doesn't know how to run a grocery store in any way, shape, or form.
I'm really tired of ranting. My back is starting to ache pretty bad now that I'm this pregnant and have been sitting in this chair for this long typing in an aggravated fashion. I'm all tense and achy now. Ha.
Basically - just in case Larry DOES get the pleasure of reading this, I'd like to leave a little note just for him. Kyle has no idea that I'm writing this blog, so don't take it out on him or you'll have to deal with me. I'm done with you pissing me off and taking your stress and anger out on your employees. You're a HORRIBLE manager and I can see why you got fired from your manager position at Wal-Mart. I wish someone at this grocery store was smart enough to fire your ass because you have NO idea how to manage people, schedules, money, pay, or a whole store in general. Not that I feel like threatening is the best way to do things, but the next time I find out that you're being a dumbass and threatening my boyfriend's job whenever you don't have any proof of him doing something wrong, I'm most likely going to come into the grocery store and call you out and make a scene in front of all of your customers and employees - just because I know you won't know how to handle the situation correctly. :) I hate you Larry, and I hope you either lose your job or that you wise the fuck up before you fuck yourself over. :)
Goodnight everyone. :)
My boyfriend came home to me today and was very upset about something a manager did, AGAIN. Yes, this kind of stuff happens all of the time, only not in such a scale as what it did today. This is what happened at Kyle's work today...
Apparently, someone decided to tell Larry (a manager at Kyle's work) that Kyle hadn't punched out for lunch until 20 minutes after he had already gone on his lunch. Kyle gets a 30 minute lunch, so there are 2 things that Larry probably thought. Either one: Kyle punched out 20 minutes after he started his lunch, then punched back in 10 minutes later once his 30 minutes was up; or, Kyle took basically a 20 minute break, then punched out for lunch and took a normal 30 minute lunch - totaling in 50 minutes of lunch. With those two options of Larry's thoughts out in the open, I'd like to state that if he thought the first option that I listed, then he's even more fucking retarded than anyone I've met in my life.
Here's why the first option isn't even possible - at Kyle's work, if you punch out of the clock, you can't punch in 1o minutes later. It will not allow you to punch back in until at least 15 minutes has gone by because that is the shortest amount of time allowed for a break from an employee. Therefore, Larry would be really stupid to believe that Kyle would even be able to punch back in 10 minutes later. Plus, I'm not sure why he would care if Kyle WOULD have done that because he was still only taking a 30 minute break at that point.
As for the second option, I'm not sure how anyone would be able to tell if Kyle had gone on lunch 20 minutes before he clocked out unless they were LOOKING for something to get him in trouble for. Kyle already said that this didn't happen, so obviously this person wasn't paying attention as well as they thought they were anyway. Kyle went straight from his register to the clock in order to punch out for lunch. However, if someone WAS watching my boyfriend that closely, then they need to be fired for not doing anything at work. They are obviously a bad employee if they can sit there for 20 minutes and pay attention to my boyfriend and when he goes into the break room, when he comes out, when he clocks in and out, etc. I also think Larry should consider that Kyle would NOT be trying to fuck up his job right now with a baby on the way and an apartment in our future. Kyle does make bad decisions sometimes like every other human on this planet, but he would NEVER do something that could cause him to lose his job. He knows how much he would lose, and trust me, it would be far more than just the apartment, his car, and me...
The reason I stated that the manager (Larry) sucks at his job is because he brought Kyle into the back room and was FURIOUS at him about this. He had no proof that Kyle had done it, and he had no reason to believe that Kyle had done it. Kyle has never done anything to get in trouble at work. He's always been one of their best employees and never gets in trouble because he never does anything to get into trouble. So, Larry automatically flipping out on Kyle the way that he did shows that he's not a very good manager in the first place. He should've asked Kyle if he had done it, and if Kyle admitted to it, then get angry if need be. Lashing out the way that he did just shows that he has no self control and that he shouldn't be in charge of a store full of employees. Kyle had even told him that if Larry would just check the video of the store, it would show Kyle clocking out and back in. If he would check the clock, it would show that he took a 30 minute lunch as well. However, the video would be more appropriate so that they could watch Kyle at his register, then see that the same time he left his register is the same time that he went over to the clock and clocked out.
I wouldn't be so angry about this, had it been me hearing about the manager for the first time. However, it's not the first time I've heard complaints about this manager. Kyle has come home numerous times telling me about stupid things that Larry has done. For example, the policy at Kyle's work is that if you want to request days off, you are to request them 3 weeks in advance. Obviously, we have no problem with that. Kyle had decided to request off April 27th and 28th for my parents' birthday so that we could go to Salamanca, NY with them for 2 days. He requested those days off 4 weeks in advance to make sure he got them off without any hassle. Once that week had come up, Kyle's schedule for the week was shown to him and he didn't have those days off. Larry is the one who deals with the scheduling, so when Kyle asked him why he didn't give him the days off, Larry responded by telling him that if he wanted them off so bad, he could just switch with someone. This pisses me off because Larry is supposed to be the responsible manager, and he's not in any way responsible or manager material whatsoever. It turns out that he never even pays attention to when people request days off because he just doesn't want to have to put more effort into scheduling people. Also, a manager should be able to admit that he made a mistake and fix it, not tell you that you have to get someone to cover for you.
Kyle isn't the only one who complains about Larry either. I won't mention names just in case someone decides to show this to him, but there are 3 other people I've heard large complaints from. Not going into full detail - but one girl had mentioned once when Larry had scheduled her to be stocking with people during a midnight shift, and she was pregnant and had never stocked once - she had always been on register or at the courtesy desk. Larry had told her that she just wouldn't get those hours that week.
Next case was from a male worker and he had mentioned that he was promised a few things from Larry. Apparently, Larry had mentioned a promotion for this person to the courtesy desk within the next month or so. The guy telling me this has worked there for a year and a half. Larry promised him that promotion a year ago, then mentioned it again in September of 2010, then mentioned it again in November, but never actually gave the person the promotion. Obviously there's nothing in writing that says that Larry HAS to give this guy the promotion he was promised, but its just messed up that he would sit there and say that he is going to give someone a promotion when he obviously isn't going to do anything. Since the guy wasn't getting the promotion, he started helping out with stocking every now and then. He found out that he was really good at stocking and talked to the manager that takes care of the people who stock and the people who do night crew. The manager said that he really needs more people and that he wants the guy to work back there as soon as possible. The guy tried talking to Larry about it and Larry wouldn't let him be a stocking person. He had no reason for it except for he supposedly REALLY needed him in the front end. Not only is it wrong of him to refuse him a job that he obviously would be better at doing, but 2 days before this person asked Larry if he could switch, Larry was complaining that they had too many people working front end and that he might have to lay people off. He never laid people off, so he had no reason to keep this person around. Plus, Larry was still in the process of hiring more people which just proves even more that he doesn't know how to run a grocery store in any way, shape, or form.
I'm really tired of ranting. My back is starting to ache pretty bad now that I'm this pregnant and have been sitting in this chair for this long typing in an aggravated fashion. I'm all tense and achy now. Ha.
Basically - just in case Larry DOES get the pleasure of reading this, I'd like to leave a little note just for him. Kyle has no idea that I'm writing this blog, so don't take it out on him or you'll have to deal with me. I'm done with you pissing me off and taking your stress and anger out on your employees. You're a HORRIBLE manager and I can see why you got fired from your manager position at Wal-Mart. I wish someone at this grocery store was smart enough to fire your ass because you have NO idea how to manage people, schedules, money, pay, or a whole store in general. Not that I feel like threatening is the best way to do things, but the next time I find out that you're being a dumbass and threatening my boyfriend's job whenever you don't have any proof of him doing something wrong, I'm most likely going to come into the grocery store and call you out and make a scene in front of all of your customers and employees - just because I know you won't know how to handle the situation correctly. :) I hate you Larry, and I hope you either lose your job or that you wise the fuck up before you fuck yourself over. :)
Goodnight everyone. :)
5.12.2011
Cleaning Mood. :)
As you probably already know, most pregnant women go through a "nesting" stage in their pregnancy. The basic symptoms of this stage are obsessive cleaning, organization, and pretty much anything that can keep you busy and make you feel more comforted. For example, I just had to face my chair more toward the computer because it was slightly crooked for some odd reason. :) Also, Kyle and I have been packing downstairs so that we can move into our new apartment as soon as we possibly can have the chance to, and I've been labeling EVERYTHING. :) I have 2 sharpie markers; one black one and one silver metallic one. They both are used to label certain things in certain ways. I'm so anal about all of this because I want everything to be packed MY WAY. I don't think I can take NOT having things packed the way I want them to be packed. Kyle thinks its a bit ridiculous, but it comforts me to be able to be so organized, and it makes me happy. So, even though he doesn't like it that much, he allows it to happen.
Anyway, today I have been in a crazy cleaning mood. I woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and was DISGUSTED!! Dishes - everywhere! Food still left in them and spoiled milk in glasses and salad dressing gone bad; so gross! I couldn't stand it, and I usually don't care whether things are like this or not because it's not really my house, but I HAD to take action. I immediately opened the dishwasher and took everything out, put it all away, then started loading the dishwasher with all of the nasty dishes that had been sitting out. I organized the small forks with the small forks, large forks with large, small spoons with small, large spoons with large, butter knives with butter knives, etc. All of the bowls were in two rows in the center of the top rack, and all of the plates were lined up according to size on the bottom shelf. Cups of every sort went to both sides of the top shelf, and a large pot went in the bottom rack. After doing this, I realized that the dishwasher wasn't quite full yet. So, I haven't started it yet.
If I were to start the dishwasher without it being completely full, I'd most likely get the 3rd degree about it later. Therefore, I just left it not started, and began to clean something else. I walked into the living room, and there were 2 hampers of clean clothes that Kyle had brought up for my sister and her husband, because we needed to do laundry, so we finished their laundry for them, then started to do our own. So, I walk into the living room, find that the clothes are still sitting in hampers in the middle of the floor, and I start folding the clothes. My sister has 3 kids, so trying to figure out who's shirt and pants belong to who is definitely a difficult task. :) I tried my best though. :)
It's such a nice day out! Jimmy the fat cat is lying next to the screen door looking outside, soaking up the sun. The neighbor is washing his car. Birds are chirping and singing their cute little songs. I like today. Hopefully its a better day than yesterday. Yesterday was an awful emotional day for me. :(
Anyway, today I have been in a crazy cleaning mood. I woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and was DISGUSTED!! Dishes - everywhere! Food still left in them and spoiled milk in glasses and salad dressing gone bad; so gross! I couldn't stand it, and I usually don't care whether things are like this or not because it's not really my house, but I HAD to take action. I immediately opened the dishwasher and took everything out, put it all away, then started loading the dishwasher with all of the nasty dishes that had been sitting out. I organized the small forks with the small forks, large forks with large, small spoons with small, large spoons with large, butter knives with butter knives, etc. All of the bowls were in two rows in the center of the top rack, and all of the plates were lined up according to size on the bottom shelf. Cups of every sort went to both sides of the top shelf, and a large pot went in the bottom rack. After doing this, I realized that the dishwasher wasn't quite full yet. So, I haven't started it yet.
If I were to start the dishwasher without it being completely full, I'd most likely get the 3rd degree about it later. Therefore, I just left it not started, and began to clean something else. I walked into the living room, and there were 2 hampers of clean clothes that Kyle had brought up for my sister and her husband, because we needed to do laundry, so we finished their laundry for them, then started to do our own. So, I walk into the living room, find that the clothes are still sitting in hampers in the middle of the floor, and I start folding the clothes. My sister has 3 kids, so trying to figure out who's shirt and pants belong to who is definitely a difficult task. :) I tried my best though. :)
It's such a nice day out! Jimmy the fat cat is lying next to the screen door looking outside, soaking up the sun. The neighbor is washing his car. Birds are chirping and singing their cute little songs. I like today. Hopefully its a better day than yesterday. Yesterday was an awful emotional day for me. :(
4.21.2011
Pregnancy Confusion
I've been having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions today. It worries me because I'm not sure it would be safe to go into labor this early. I think they're just Braxton-Hicks, but I could be wrong about that too I suppose. There are times when I think it's just the baby pushing his body outward, but then my sister looks at my stomach and tells me that I'm most likely having a Braxton-Hicks. It scares me that I can't seem to always know the difference. I would think that I should definitely be able to know the difference between a Braxton-Hicks and my baby moving. =(
I made a To-Do list yesterday of all of the things that I feel need to be done before Blake comes. After I had made the list, I realized that it was 2-sided and it started stressing me out really bad. It stresses me out a lot because for the past week, Kyle and I have been saying that we were going to pack our bags for the hospital, and we still haven't gotten around to it. Every time we go to do it, it's usually at night and he'll either say "yeah let me do this first" (meaning he's on his computer playing a facebook game) or he'll be too tired from working all day and he'll want to sleep. There are times when I am even just too exhausted to actually want to do something like that. =/ Does this make me a bad mommy? Blake's bag is already packed; Kyle just hasn't packed his and I haven't packed mine.
I just added like 3 things to the To-Do list while sitting here thinking about everything. I'm starting to get really nervous. I'm not sure how much more stress I can take upon myself. Kyle can't get stressed out or he'll just get moody and end up flipping out all the time again. So, I'm trying to just put as little responsibility on him as possible. He has a lot of big responsibilities right now, but they're ones that he can handle without a problem. But, let me just tell you an example of him not being mature enough to even help me with things...
Earlier today, I was stressing out because my Braxton-Hicks were happenings a bit more frequently than I'd like them to, and I wanted to lay down on the couch. I sat down and asked him if he could move (in a nice way) so that I could stretch my feet out and I started to have a Braxton-Hicks while I was asking him to move. Well, he took his jolly old good time getting off the couch and decided to slide off of it, onto the floor, but keep his upper body resting on the couch. This started to aggravate me because he takes SO LONG to do ANYTHING. (It wouldn't be as aggravating if he didn't take forever to do everything I ask of him.) So, instead, I calmed myself a little, still having the Braxton-Hicks contraction going on, and I said, "Babe, please hurry up and move I really need to extend my legs right now." And he still stayed there and decided to stretch and take forever. So, I couldn't stand my legs being all bunched up with me anymore and it was starting to be really uncomfortable, and I pushed my legs against him and pushed him away from the couch. Then, he got all pissed off and started moving even slower (in slow motion) on purpose. This is not very mature, especially when it was starting to cause me serious pain. It also started to stress me out really bad for some reason and I almost began panicking. Then, he finally gets off the couch, but stays in his stupid slow motion scene that he continues to reenact, and he decides to pretend to punch me in slow motion, then pretends to punch the table in slow motion, then pretends to punch his laptop across the room in slow motion. This is not a mature way to act and it was pissing me off more. I almost wanted to kick him and tell him to fucking stop it before I kicked him, but I knew that wouldn't make anything better. I'm not sure why all of this upset me so much, but its ridiculous that he couldn't just move when I was having a Braxton-Hicks and it makes me think that if I get aggravated while going into labor and offend him, he's going to get all emotional and aggravate me more by doing this stupid shit. I can't even tell you how aggravating he gets. I love him, more than I could ever explain. But, when he does this shit, he tries to be funny while still letting out his anger, and it pisses me off to no end. It makes me want to seriously hurt him. >=0
I'm going to try to write in my journal. I need to relax. I also have to finish filling out the thank you letters from my baby shower so that maybe I can finally send them out today. Maybe that'll calm me down. Ugh, I'm starting to get a headache. ='(
I made a To-Do list yesterday of all of the things that I feel need to be done before Blake comes. After I had made the list, I realized that it was 2-sided and it started stressing me out really bad. It stresses me out a lot because for the past week, Kyle and I have been saying that we were going to pack our bags for the hospital, and we still haven't gotten around to it. Every time we go to do it, it's usually at night and he'll either say "yeah let me do this first" (meaning he's on his computer playing a facebook game) or he'll be too tired from working all day and he'll want to sleep. There are times when I am even just too exhausted to actually want to do something like that. =/ Does this make me a bad mommy? Blake's bag is already packed; Kyle just hasn't packed his and I haven't packed mine.
I just added like 3 things to the To-Do list while sitting here thinking about everything. I'm starting to get really nervous. I'm not sure how much more stress I can take upon myself. Kyle can't get stressed out or he'll just get moody and end up flipping out all the time again. So, I'm trying to just put as little responsibility on him as possible. He has a lot of big responsibilities right now, but they're ones that he can handle without a problem. But, let me just tell you an example of him not being mature enough to even help me with things...
Earlier today, I was stressing out because my Braxton-Hicks were happenings a bit more frequently than I'd like them to, and I wanted to lay down on the couch. I sat down and asked him if he could move (in a nice way) so that I could stretch my feet out and I started to have a Braxton-Hicks while I was asking him to move. Well, he took his jolly old good time getting off the couch and decided to slide off of it, onto the floor, but keep his upper body resting on the couch. This started to aggravate me because he takes SO LONG to do ANYTHING. (It wouldn't be as aggravating if he didn't take forever to do everything I ask of him.) So, instead, I calmed myself a little, still having the Braxton-Hicks contraction going on, and I said, "Babe, please hurry up and move I really need to extend my legs right now." And he still stayed there and decided to stretch and take forever. So, I couldn't stand my legs being all bunched up with me anymore and it was starting to be really uncomfortable, and I pushed my legs against him and pushed him away from the couch. Then, he got all pissed off and started moving even slower (in slow motion) on purpose. This is not very mature, especially when it was starting to cause me serious pain. It also started to stress me out really bad for some reason and I almost began panicking. Then, he finally gets off the couch, but stays in his stupid slow motion scene that he continues to reenact, and he decides to pretend to punch me in slow motion, then pretends to punch the table in slow motion, then pretends to punch his laptop across the room in slow motion. This is not a mature way to act and it was pissing me off more. I almost wanted to kick him and tell him to fucking stop it before I kicked him, but I knew that wouldn't make anything better. I'm not sure why all of this upset me so much, but its ridiculous that he couldn't just move when I was having a Braxton-Hicks and it makes me think that if I get aggravated while going into labor and offend him, he's going to get all emotional and aggravate me more by doing this stupid shit. I can't even tell you how aggravating he gets. I love him, more than I could ever explain. But, when he does this shit, he tries to be funny while still letting out his anger, and it pisses me off to no end. It makes me want to seriously hurt him. >=0
I'm going to try to write in my journal. I need to relax. I also have to finish filling out the thank you letters from my baby shower so that maybe I can finally send them out today. Maybe that'll calm me down. Ugh, I'm starting to get a headache. ='(
4.19.2011
Ups and Downs :)
I'm beginning to realize that my pregnancy has its ups and downs. I've been having quite a bit of trouble getting my bowels to move, but after I do, I tend to feel so great that I don't even give a shit. (No pun intended!!) :) Also, Blake seems to always be very happy after I take a big poop!! I tend to have to push really hard, so I feel bad for squeezing him for the hour and a half that I have to sit on the toilet, but other than that, he gets very excited once its out. So excited, in fact, that he decides to kick my colon to reassure me that there's nothing left, and then return to sleep mode. :) I love my little guy. <3
Good news that ISN'T gross: Kyle and I went to apply for low income housing today. We really need a place of our own, and I just really want to be able to start my family in our own place. It just seems like a much better option to me. I love my sister and my nephews, but this house is so crowded because of us being here. It's honestly not really us anymore either. We got all of our wonderful presents from the baby shower and now the place is just packed. Not counting the fact that our room is in the basement and the bathroom and kitchen are upstairs!! Lol. (Prego nightmare!!!) I'm so glad that I didn't get the crazy peeing problems that most pregnant women get. I am able to hold my pee just as well as I was able to before I was pregnant, and I consider this a wonderful gift. Mainly because of the bathroom being upstairs. I don't ever feel the need to rush up the steps to get to the bathroom, so I'm never in danger of falling, and I never end up peeing myself! :)
Anyway - so we applied for a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom place at Hillcrest Commons. For anyone who would like to understand that lived near me, it's kind of like the manor in Seward or New Florence, only a lot nicer and not as many scumbags. :) Lol. I have friends who live in the manors that aren't scumbags, but a lot of people there are. So, please don't take offense if you're one of those friends and are reading this. Haha. I know you're not a scumbag. :)
Now, we didn't have to pay a fee for the application, so it doesn't really bother us that we haven't gotten to look at the place. From the way Kyle's friend described it, the closets are big enough to fit a dresser into, and we probably won't need the 4 dressers we have anyway once we have a closet!! So, that was very exciting for me. I love to hang clothes up rather than folding them and putting them away. Plus, that will give us more space for other things. :) (Which reminds me, if we get this apartment, I hope to be able to remember to go and buy some baby hangers and a lot of hangers for Kyle and I...)
Some other good things about the property there: there's a playground that is open all the time, and they are getting security cameras installed all over the place sometime next week. :) So that makes me feel like if I need to take a walk to let out some stress at 4AM, then I will feel okay to do so. :) There's also an on-site laundry facility and we get our own key to it so that we can do our laundry whenever we want. This is especially good for me because I tend to always get in the mood to do laundry when it's the LEAST convenient for me. I think I like to do laundry at night because it makes me tired and it helps me to fall asleep. :)
There are even more positives coming my way!! Kyle's aunt recently got kicked out of her nursing home because she is a hoarder and she is hopelessly paranoid. I feel bad, but she was apparently locking her door and saying that everyone was stealing her things and she wouldn't take her medications. :( She's a sweet woman, but she was terribly confused. Now that she's moving out though, she is moving in somewhere that is furnished and she needs someone to take her things. Therefore, Kyle and I are able to get her couch and her bed frame and her back board to her bed. We also are getting some lamps and a microwave (if we need it) and some sort of chair that has a remote with adjustable settings for it. There is also a small dinner table available for us to take if we need it. And Kyle has a computer desk that I would be able to bring so that I finally have somewhere to sit my computer instead of on a dresser right beside my bed. Haha! :)
Kyle has sleeping problems. I wouldn't normally call them problems, but he wants to be able to sleep in the same bed as the baby and me, so the way he sleeps has become problematic. He mainly just has a problem with rolling around a lot and switching his positions roughly. It always wakes me up EVERY TIME HE MOVES and he actually has a problem with rolling over so that he's overlapping me a little (if I'm laying on my back). If I am laying on my side, he tends to just bump into me and stop. :) However, the first thing I thought of was, OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF HE CAN'T BUMP INTO BUG AND ROLLS ON TOP OF HIM?!!?!?? And of course, I talked it over with Kyle after I had this concern hit my brain. He said he understands why I'm concerned, but that he doesn't know how he can control it because he's asleep.
I honestly have a problem waking him up too. I never know if he's actually talking to me, or if he's actually sleeping and just answering me in his sleep. He is really good at doing that. I realized how well he did at it for the first time a few weeks ago. He actually told me he wanted a glass of milk. So I told him to go get a glass of milk and to come back to bed. I didn't think anything of it! Next thing I know, he walks over to the wall and stands there touching the wall, but not doing anything else. This is when I realized what was going on, and I kind of freaked out to be honest. I don't like sleep walking. I'm not sure why, but it just freaks me out kind of bad. So I told him that the kitchen was "this way" and walked him into the hallway, and he just stopped. Then he blinks his eyes a few times and squints a little, looks at me and asks what we're doing. I explain that he said he wanted some milk, and that he tried grabbing it from the wall, so I escorted him to the kitchen. He then got a glass of milk and went back to bed like nothing happened. It freaked me out SO bad. And now, I never know whether to think he's actually awake or asleep.
The reason I explain this is because this brings another fear to me. I'm afraid that when the baby cries, he might not actually wake up. I'm sure he will at first, but once he gets used to hearing his cry, maybe he'll dream it and get up and do something that he shouldn't do. This scares me more than you could ever imagine! Because if we're asleep and he says "I'll get him" and he's actually sleep walking and talking, then I won't think anything of it and he'll grab the baby and lay him down on the couch or something then come back to bed. I have no clue what he might do, but I'm honestly afraid!
I don't know how to solve the problem of his sleep walking and talking skills, but I figured we can kind of get him used to the baby sleeping with us if we start now. So, what do I do? I get the orange stuffed elephant that mom got us for Blake, and I stuck him in bed with us. Kyle kind of looked at him and then looked at me (obviously confused) and I explained! Kyle isn't allowed to roll on top of "Bo Bo the Elephant" and he cannot rest his arms across him or lay his head on him or anything of the sort that he couldn't do to a baby! Kyle doesn't know if it will work because of how soft Bo Bo is, but we figured we'd give it a shot. He's a big bigger than a baby, but it should give Kyle the general idea to not roll over and stuff.
It's also fun for me because I have trouble sleeping a lot. Therefore, every time Kyle has rested his elbow or head on Bo Bo, I've made really loud crying noises, and he wakes up instantly, only to look for a moment, realize that it's fake, and then roll back over away from Bo Bo. :) So far, I think we're doing pretty well, but I kind of want to know what will happen once I actually fall asleep and can't make the crying noises. Haha. Kyle's biggest problem right now is that when he gets cold at night, he snuggles up to me because I've been like a heater lately since Blake is my little heater. And because we have Bo Bo between us, it probably bothers him that he basically has to stay cold and deal with it. :(
Well I think I've written enough for one night. :) Goodnight!!
Good news that ISN'T gross: Kyle and I went to apply for low income housing today. We really need a place of our own, and I just really want to be able to start my family in our own place. It just seems like a much better option to me. I love my sister and my nephews, but this house is so crowded because of us being here. It's honestly not really us anymore either. We got all of our wonderful presents from the baby shower and now the place is just packed. Not counting the fact that our room is in the basement and the bathroom and kitchen are upstairs!! Lol. (Prego nightmare!!!) I'm so glad that I didn't get the crazy peeing problems that most pregnant women get. I am able to hold my pee just as well as I was able to before I was pregnant, and I consider this a wonderful gift. Mainly because of the bathroom being upstairs. I don't ever feel the need to rush up the steps to get to the bathroom, so I'm never in danger of falling, and I never end up peeing myself! :)
Anyway - so we applied for a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom place at Hillcrest Commons. For anyone who would like to understand that lived near me, it's kind of like the manor in Seward or New Florence, only a lot nicer and not as many scumbags. :) Lol. I have friends who live in the manors that aren't scumbags, but a lot of people there are. So, please don't take offense if you're one of those friends and are reading this. Haha. I know you're not a scumbag. :)
Now, we didn't have to pay a fee for the application, so it doesn't really bother us that we haven't gotten to look at the place. From the way Kyle's friend described it, the closets are big enough to fit a dresser into, and we probably won't need the 4 dressers we have anyway once we have a closet!! So, that was very exciting for me. I love to hang clothes up rather than folding them and putting them away. Plus, that will give us more space for other things. :) (Which reminds me, if we get this apartment, I hope to be able to remember to go and buy some baby hangers and a lot of hangers for Kyle and I...)
Some other good things about the property there: there's a playground that is open all the time, and they are getting security cameras installed all over the place sometime next week. :) So that makes me feel like if I need to take a walk to let out some stress at 4AM, then I will feel okay to do so. :) There's also an on-site laundry facility and we get our own key to it so that we can do our laundry whenever we want. This is especially good for me because I tend to always get in the mood to do laundry when it's the LEAST convenient for me. I think I like to do laundry at night because it makes me tired and it helps me to fall asleep. :)
There are even more positives coming my way!! Kyle's aunt recently got kicked out of her nursing home because she is a hoarder and she is hopelessly paranoid. I feel bad, but she was apparently locking her door and saying that everyone was stealing her things and she wouldn't take her medications. :( She's a sweet woman, but she was terribly confused. Now that she's moving out though, she is moving in somewhere that is furnished and she needs someone to take her things. Therefore, Kyle and I are able to get her couch and her bed frame and her back board to her bed. We also are getting some lamps and a microwave (if we need it) and some sort of chair that has a remote with adjustable settings for it. There is also a small dinner table available for us to take if we need it. And Kyle has a computer desk that I would be able to bring so that I finally have somewhere to sit my computer instead of on a dresser right beside my bed. Haha! :)
Kyle has sleeping problems. I wouldn't normally call them problems, but he wants to be able to sleep in the same bed as the baby and me, so the way he sleeps has become problematic. He mainly just has a problem with rolling around a lot and switching his positions roughly. It always wakes me up EVERY TIME HE MOVES and he actually has a problem with rolling over so that he's overlapping me a little (if I'm laying on my back). If I am laying on my side, he tends to just bump into me and stop. :) However, the first thing I thought of was, OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF HE CAN'T BUMP INTO BUG AND ROLLS ON TOP OF HIM?!!?!?? And of course, I talked it over with Kyle after I had this concern hit my brain. He said he understands why I'm concerned, but that he doesn't know how he can control it because he's asleep.
I honestly have a problem waking him up too. I never know if he's actually talking to me, or if he's actually sleeping and just answering me in his sleep. He is really good at doing that. I realized how well he did at it for the first time a few weeks ago. He actually told me he wanted a glass of milk. So I told him to go get a glass of milk and to come back to bed. I didn't think anything of it! Next thing I know, he walks over to the wall and stands there touching the wall, but not doing anything else. This is when I realized what was going on, and I kind of freaked out to be honest. I don't like sleep walking. I'm not sure why, but it just freaks me out kind of bad. So I told him that the kitchen was "this way" and walked him into the hallway, and he just stopped. Then he blinks his eyes a few times and squints a little, looks at me and asks what we're doing. I explain that he said he wanted some milk, and that he tried grabbing it from the wall, so I escorted him to the kitchen. He then got a glass of milk and went back to bed like nothing happened. It freaked me out SO bad. And now, I never know whether to think he's actually awake or asleep.
The reason I explain this is because this brings another fear to me. I'm afraid that when the baby cries, he might not actually wake up. I'm sure he will at first, but once he gets used to hearing his cry, maybe he'll dream it and get up and do something that he shouldn't do. This scares me more than you could ever imagine! Because if we're asleep and he says "I'll get him" and he's actually sleep walking and talking, then I won't think anything of it and he'll grab the baby and lay him down on the couch or something then come back to bed. I have no clue what he might do, but I'm honestly afraid!
I don't know how to solve the problem of his sleep walking and talking skills, but I figured we can kind of get him used to the baby sleeping with us if we start now. So, what do I do? I get the orange stuffed elephant that mom got us for Blake, and I stuck him in bed with us. Kyle kind of looked at him and then looked at me (obviously confused) and I explained! Kyle isn't allowed to roll on top of "Bo Bo the Elephant" and he cannot rest his arms across him or lay his head on him or anything of the sort that he couldn't do to a baby! Kyle doesn't know if it will work because of how soft Bo Bo is, but we figured we'd give it a shot. He's a big bigger than a baby, but it should give Kyle the general idea to not roll over and stuff.
 |
| Bo Bo :) Sorry he's sideways. :( |
It's also fun for me because I have trouble sleeping a lot. Therefore, every time Kyle has rested his elbow or head on Bo Bo, I've made really loud crying noises, and he wakes up instantly, only to look for a moment, realize that it's fake, and then roll back over away from Bo Bo. :) So far, I think we're doing pretty well, but I kind of want to know what will happen once I actually fall asleep and can't make the crying noises. Haha. Kyle's biggest problem right now is that when he gets cold at night, he snuggles up to me because I've been like a heater lately since Blake is my little heater. And because we have Bo Bo between us, it probably bothers him that he basically has to stay cold and deal with it. :(
Well I think I've written enough for one night. :) Goodnight!!
4.01.2011
Those God-Awful Stretch Marks
Yes, that's what my topic is about right now; stretch marks. I have plenty of them, but there are ZERO on my stomach. This is just one more thing to make me even more horribly insecure than what I already am. The body parts that I was once proud of, I can never be proud of again unless I pay for expensive creams and stupid things such as those. I started out with only noticing stretch marks on my breasts. They aren't that bad, so I wasn't too worried about them. I figured I'd get them near my boobs because I've never had boobs in my life. They're just entering a C cup at this point and they hurt like hell, yet I have no clue when or how the stretch marks got there. I just woke up one day and kind of noticed them. Now they're getting darker and more stretched out. :(
The next place they're starting to appear now is on my butt. My butt cheeks look like they've developed some sort of tiger appearance syndrome. I'm not even kidding, I'm so sad because I was completely in love with my bum! I mean, I understand that once I'm a mom, the last thing I should be worried about is my sexual appeal. However, I kind of grew up loving my sex appeal and being very proud of it. I can't help but focus on my sex appeal now that I'm pregnant, especially because of the fact that I feel so unattractive. Anyway, my butt looks like it got slapped with a tiger stamp. I loved my bum, and I'm so upset to see it's beauty fading as I get bigger. The stretch marks are starting to go up around my hips as well. It sucks to say, but I am definitely going to have left over stretch marks. =(
I'll have to look into some stretch mark creams...
Any suggestions?!?!?!
The next place they're starting to appear now is on my butt. My butt cheeks look like they've developed some sort of tiger appearance syndrome. I'm not even kidding, I'm so sad because I was completely in love with my bum! I mean, I understand that once I'm a mom, the last thing I should be worried about is my sexual appeal. However, I kind of grew up loving my sex appeal and being very proud of it. I can't help but focus on my sex appeal now that I'm pregnant, especially because of the fact that I feel so unattractive. Anyway, my butt looks like it got slapped with a tiger stamp. I loved my bum, and I'm so upset to see it's beauty fading as I get bigger. The stretch marks are starting to go up around my hips as well. It sucks to say, but I am definitely going to have left over stretch marks. =(
I'll have to look into some stretch mark creams...
Any suggestions?!?!?!
Feeling A Bit Confused...
For the last few days, I've been feeling like I should be worrying about Kyle. I feel like he is hiding things from me and that he's changing - but not in a good way. This scares me entirely because I'm extremely paranoid that he's cheating on me and usually I end up being right about these things. This is what upsets me because I don't want to be right. I know how unattractive I am right now because of my body being so much bigger than it ever has been, and I honestly don't have the energy to do my hair every morning and put makeup on and all that bullshit, so I realize that I most likely tend to look like shit a lot.
I just recently found out that he's been smoking behind my back. Just cigarettes, but he's the one who told me that we BOTH had to quit in the first place. He told me (when we found out I was pregnant) that we would do this together. That's exactly what he told me, he said we would quit together to make it easier on the other person. Obviously, I'm glad I quit because its safer for my baby altogether. However, I don't like that he's trying to say that it isn't that bad that he's been sneaking smoking. I hate it when people tell me something, then they don't stick to it. If you say something, you should keep your word - plain and simple. If you're not going to keep your word, then don't get my hopes up, because I'll end up not wanting to be around you in the end. The worst part with this is that he kept slipping when we first started quitting. He was the one who kept yelling at me every time I tried to have like 2 puffs of a cigarette; he would act like I was doing such wrong.
The main reason it makes me angry is because we got into a fight about him sneaking smoking. I got ticked because I don't think that he should be sneaking them when he was the one who made me quit in the first place. It doesn't make sense to sit there and say that we should quit smoking if you're not even going to stick to it. That is the most irritating thing on the planet to me! The fact that he has been sneaking cigarettes for the past 4 months is seriously driving me insane right now because I thought he was doing so well. I was so proud of him and everyone was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to change and I was defending him solely for that reason! I was sitting there taking shit from everyone that was telling me that and I was defending him because he seemed to be changing. He seemed like he was being a little more careful with his money and I thought he wasn't smoking and everything. I thought he was changing, but it turns out that he was just pretending to change. Wouldn't that basically be considered lying?
I feel so hurt by this and its bringing me to the point of me not wanting to be with him. I love Kyle so much, I really do. However, I can't have someone around me and my child that is going to sit here and basically lie to us or not be able to keep his word. He said he wouldn't hide things anymore once Blake was born - like honestly?!?!?! How stupid do I seem?! That is the dumbest f***ing excuse I've ever heard. He's been saying that EVERYTHING will change after the baby is born. Literally, everything we get into an argument about ends up having the solution of it not happening once Bug is born. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he can't even keep his word now? Am I really supposed to believe him? How do I know he won't pull that shit on my son? My main concern is that he might actually get worse and do it to both of us instead of just me! For example, what if he decides to tell Bug that he'll take him to the playground someday and he ends up just not doing it because he doesn't keep his word. It really worries me because I don't care how much Kyle disappoints me and I don't care how much he hurts me. When it comes to my child though, I really don't want Blake to hate his father. I want him to love him regardless of whether Kyle and I are together or not. Above all, I don't want him disappointing Blake and making him not want to ever do things with him. I want them to be able to bond and stuff and if Kyle always tells Blake that he'll do things with him and then just decides not to do them, then what else can I expect to happen? Blake will most likely put up his defenses and just end up telling me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad and stuff like that and I don't want that to happen whatsoever. And if I really think these things are going to keep happening, then why do I keep giving Kyle all of these chances?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I definitely get really worked up about things, but I know that this is something I'm allowed to get worked up over. He sat there and said that we would quit smoking together. Plus, I'm sorry, but he's only 20 and he's been smoking since he was like 18 or something. I've been smoking at least pack a day since I was 13. I've quit before, but it only ever lasted about a week at most. I actually started smoking when I was about 10 or 11, but I would only get to smoke with my friend, and I saw her every day, but not enough to smoke a lot every day. I can't stand that he acts like its so hard to quit, especially when he has been smoking for less than 2 years.
The fact that he's been hiding smoking from me for the past 4 months just makes me wonder what else he's hiding. If he's able to buy cigarettes without me knowing and able to hide them from me and work hard enough to hide the smell and everything from me, then I have no clue what else I could be missing. He could be hiding so much from me right now and I could have no idea. Quite honestly, this feeling I've been having for the past few weeks is just making me think that I'm right to have this bad feeling now that I know about him hiding this from me. I hate this though, I don't want to have to leave Kyle. I love him more than anyone could ever understand and I want things to work out between us, but I can't be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no real relationship to even look forward to having.
This is really upsetting me...I don't know what to do. I know what I would tell my friends to do in this situation, but I hate how much easier it is to say it than to actually do it. Plus, I love Kyle, and I don't want to leave him. There's a lot of things I would miss, but the wrongs should never be able to overpower the good times of a relationship, and the wrongs are beginning to overpower the whole relationship because I feel like I can't believe anything he says. I'm starting to question whether he really has work at the times that he tells me, and I'm beginning to wonder if he really goes to his friend's houses or if he goes elsewhere and that's why he always ends up leaving to go there without asking me if I want to go. It all just seems really shady and selfish and its upsetting me to the point of me coming to the decision that I might not have a choice anymore. He can't handle his money and he can't keep his word. These are two things that I can settle very quickly in court, but I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to. But it's looking like I'll have to.
I hate this...
I just recently found out that he's been smoking behind my back. Just cigarettes, but he's the one who told me that we BOTH had to quit in the first place. He told me (when we found out I was pregnant) that we would do this together. That's exactly what he told me, he said we would quit together to make it easier on the other person. Obviously, I'm glad I quit because its safer for my baby altogether. However, I don't like that he's trying to say that it isn't that bad that he's been sneaking smoking. I hate it when people tell me something, then they don't stick to it. If you say something, you should keep your word - plain and simple. If you're not going to keep your word, then don't get my hopes up, because I'll end up not wanting to be around you in the end. The worst part with this is that he kept slipping when we first started quitting. He was the one who kept yelling at me every time I tried to have like 2 puffs of a cigarette; he would act like I was doing such wrong.
The main reason it makes me angry is because we got into a fight about him sneaking smoking. I got ticked because I don't think that he should be sneaking them when he was the one who made me quit in the first place. It doesn't make sense to sit there and say that we should quit smoking if you're not even going to stick to it. That is the most irritating thing on the planet to me! The fact that he has been sneaking cigarettes for the past 4 months is seriously driving me insane right now because I thought he was doing so well. I was so proud of him and everyone was trying to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to change and I was defending him solely for that reason! I was sitting there taking shit from everyone that was telling me that and I was defending him because he seemed to be changing. He seemed like he was being a little more careful with his money and I thought he wasn't smoking and everything. I thought he was changing, but it turns out that he was just pretending to change. Wouldn't that basically be considered lying?
I feel so hurt by this and its bringing me to the point of me not wanting to be with him. I love Kyle so much, I really do. However, I can't have someone around me and my child that is going to sit here and basically lie to us or not be able to keep his word. He said he wouldn't hide things anymore once Blake was born - like honestly?!?!?! How stupid do I seem?! That is the dumbest f***ing excuse I've ever heard. He's been saying that EVERYTHING will change after the baby is born. Literally, everything we get into an argument about ends up having the solution of it not happening once Bug is born. How the hell am I supposed to believe that when he can't even keep his word now? Am I really supposed to believe him? How do I know he won't pull that shit on my son? My main concern is that he might actually get worse and do it to both of us instead of just me! For example, what if he decides to tell Bug that he'll take him to the playground someday and he ends up just not doing it because he doesn't keep his word. It really worries me because I don't care how much Kyle disappoints me and I don't care how much he hurts me. When it comes to my child though, I really don't want Blake to hate his father. I want him to love him regardless of whether Kyle and I are together or not. Above all, I don't want him disappointing Blake and making him not want to ever do things with him. I want them to be able to bond and stuff and if Kyle always tells Blake that he'll do things with him and then just decides not to do them, then what else can I expect to happen? Blake will most likely put up his defenses and just end up telling me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad and stuff like that and I don't want that to happen whatsoever. And if I really think these things are going to keep happening, then why do I keep giving Kyle all of these chances?
I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. I definitely get really worked up about things, but I know that this is something I'm allowed to get worked up over. He sat there and said that we would quit smoking together. Plus, I'm sorry, but he's only 20 and he's been smoking since he was like 18 or something. I've been smoking at least pack a day since I was 13. I've quit before, but it only ever lasted about a week at most. I actually started smoking when I was about 10 or 11, but I would only get to smoke with my friend, and I saw her every day, but not enough to smoke a lot every day. I can't stand that he acts like its so hard to quit, especially when he has been smoking for less than 2 years.
The fact that he's been hiding smoking from me for the past 4 months just makes me wonder what else he's hiding. If he's able to buy cigarettes without me knowing and able to hide them from me and work hard enough to hide the smell and everything from me, then I have no clue what else I could be missing. He could be hiding so much from me right now and I could have no idea. Quite honestly, this feeling I've been having for the past few weeks is just making me think that I'm right to have this bad feeling now that I know about him hiding this from me. I hate this though, I don't want to have to leave Kyle. I love him more than anyone could ever understand and I want things to work out between us, but I can't be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no real relationship to even look forward to having.
This is really upsetting me...I don't know what to do. I know what I would tell my friends to do in this situation, but I hate how much easier it is to say it than to actually do it. Plus, I love Kyle, and I don't want to leave him. There's a lot of things I would miss, but the wrongs should never be able to overpower the good times of a relationship, and the wrongs are beginning to overpower the whole relationship because I feel like I can't believe anything he says. I'm starting to question whether he really has work at the times that he tells me, and I'm beginning to wonder if he really goes to his friend's houses or if he goes elsewhere and that's why he always ends up leaving to go there without asking me if I want to go. It all just seems really shady and selfish and its upsetting me to the point of me coming to the decision that I might not have a choice anymore. He can't handle his money and he can't keep his word. These are two things that I can settle very quickly in court, but I don't want to have to do that if I don't have to. But it's looking like I'll have to.
I hate this...
3.24.2011
Pregnancy Ups and Downs
There are so many things that I love about being pregnant! Feeling my little guy in there moving about and getting hiccups are two things that I can't help but giggle at when they happen. Also, he makes me giggle because he seems to be a bit shy, or maybe he's actually just a teaser! He moves ALL THE TIME! However, the minute someone puts their hands on him other than me, he stops moving completely and decides to move again almost right after they remove their hand from my stomach. It's rather hilarious to me, and it makes me think that he treats me special. ;)
Another thing Blake has been loving to do lately, that I absolutely adore, is stretching! I know I have a small body, but I didn't think he would need to stretch me out as much as he tries to! He stretches a lot and I end up being able to see a tiny thing poking out of me at one side of my stomach, while seeing a big thing poking out at the other end of my stomach! This makes me think that it's his head and his feet pushing against the sides of my stomach. I really love it! And, one day he was pushing his body all the way out, and I swear I could see the outline of him. I saw his head, then I saw his back leading to his tiny little bum! It made me so happy just to see almost exactly how big he's getting. It was adorable!!
I'm currently 29 weeks and I'm still having emotional problems. Kyle upsets me a lot even though he doesn't mean to whatsoever. He actually tries to joke around with me and I know I'm being stupid about it. I take everything too seriously and I feel really awful about all of it. It's honestly hard though, he says something and I take it seriously without even realizing and I end up making him feel like shit and I don't want to do that to him. I wish I could stop already, but I don't catch myself until I think about the argument or whatever it was later on in the day. Just like right now, he just started cleaning the room and instead of me being appreciative, I just said "you never cared enough to clean it before." Like what the hell is my problem?!?!?! Ugh...I disgust myself. :(
I've started two new symptoms now that my third trimester has started. I got my first nosebleed EVER about 3 or 4 days ago. It came out of nowhere! It scared me so bad because I don't want to lose blood when my iron levels need to be steady enough for me and the baby! Then, today I took a prego-nap around 3pm. I woke up around 6:30pm and stood up and had acid reflux for the first time! It was ridiculous! It burned my throat so bad and I thought I was going to throw up for certain. I didn't though. I ended up just getting a bottle of water and every time that awful feeling came to the top of my throat, I gave it a moment to settle and I drank the nice cool water, which would make it feel better for a total of about 10 minutes AT THE MOST. Sometimes it would come back right after I'd drink. It was infuriating! Thank goodness that my brother-in-law has acid reflux all the time and he had some TUMS on hand to settle my curse. :)
This Sunday coming is my baby shower. My sister is kindly letting me borrow one of her favorite dresses to wear to the event since I have nothing nice to wear that I can actually fit into. (Haha!) It's a nice dress from Victoria's Secret. It makes my boobs look wonderful! I'm very excited for my boobs to look good because I've never had boobs until I got pregnant. I went from ALMOST filling an A cup, to almost getting into a C cup within a few months. And they're only bound to get bigger from here on out (as long as my milk production is normal of course.) I'm so excited. Plus my baby belly looks amazingly adorable in the dress as well! Here is a preview of the dress!
Another thing Blake has been loving to do lately, that I absolutely adore, is stretching! I know I have a small body, but I didn't think he would need to stretch me out as much as he tries to! He stretches a lot and I end up being able to see a tiny thing poking out of me at one side of my stomach, while seeing a big thing poking out at the other end of my stomach! This makes me think that it's his head and his feet pushing against the sides of my stomach. I really love it! And, one day he was pushing his body all the way out, and I swear I could see the outline of him. I saw his head, then I saw his back leading to his tiny little bum! It made me so happy just to see almost exactly how big he's getting. It was adorable!!
I'm currently 29 weeks and I'm still having emotional problems. Kyle upsets me a lot even though he doesn't mean to whatsoever. He actually tries to joke around with me and I know I'm being stupid about it. I take everything too seriously and I feel really awful about all of it. It's honestly hard though, he says something and I take it seriously without even realizing and I end up making him feel like shit and I don't want to do that to him. I wish I could stop already, but I don't catch myself until I think about the argument or whatever it was later on in the day. Just like right now, he just started cleaning the room and instead of me being appreciative, I just said "you never cared enough to clean it before." Like what the hell is my problem?!?!?! Ugh...I disgust myself. :(
I've started two new symptoms now that my third trimester has started. I got my first nosebleed EVER about 3 or 4 days ago. It came out of nowhere! It scared me so bad because I don't want to lose blood when my iron levels need to be steady enough for me and the baby! Then, today I took a prego-nap around 3pm. I woke up around 6:30pm and stood up and had acid reflux for the first time! It was ridiculous! It burned my throat so bad and I thought I was going to throw up for certain. I didn't though. I ended up just getting a bottle of water and every time that awful feeling came to the top of my throat, I gave it a moment to settle and I drank the nice cool water, which would make it feel better for a total of about 10 minutes AT THE MOST. Sometimes it would come back right after I'd drink. It was infuriating! Thank goodness that my brother-in-law has acid reflux all the time and he had some TUMS on hand to settle my curse. :)
This Sunday coming is my baby shower. My sister is kindly letting me borrow one of her favorite dresses to wear to the event since I have nothing nice to wear that I can actually fit into. (Haha!) It's a nice dress from Victoria's Secret. It makes my boobs look wonderful! I'm very excited for my boobs to look good because I've never had boobs until I got pregnant. I went from ALMOST filling an A cup, to almost getting into a C cup within a few months. And they're only bound to get bigger from here on out (as long as my milk production is normal of course.) I'm so excited. Plus my baby belly looks amazingly adorable in the dress as well! Here is a preview of the dress!
This isn't the exact dress of course, but it's the closest preview I could find of the dress. It's very gorgeous like this one!! The color comes pretty close too! :)
Well, Kyle wants to play with my GarageBand application on here, so I suppose I will let him have my computer for a while before we officially go to bed. Plus, I don't care how bad this acid reflux is because I'm far too hungry to give a shit. Plus, the TUMS I stole from my brother-in-law will kill that darned acid reflux! :)
Goodnight!! :)
3.15.2011
I'm Sick. (-_-)
I've recently discovered that my nephews have strep throat. My sister took them to the hospital, and they both have strep throat. My throat has been hurting for a while now and I also have been coughing my lungs out for the past couple days. I'm afraid I might have it too, but so far so good. I haven't found any white patches in my mouth or in the back of my throat and I haven't thrown up or anything like that. My body aches like it never has before though, so that's taking a bit of a toll on me. Other than that, I'm doing okay for my body temperature constantly changing. I'm hoping my little guy doesn't get affected by this. I've been doing my best to keep myself as healthy as I can while being sick so that I don't get any worse.
Kyle is sick too, but he was actually vomiting. I've been trying to stay away from him while still trying to help him out and take care of him. It's been a rough day so far...and last night was a rough night as well. I don't really feel well enough to be on the computer for too long, so this post will most likely be small. But I hope to get better soon so I can go back to being a happy "preggers!" Ha.
Kyle is sick too, but he was actually vomiting. I've been trying to stay away from him while still trying to help him out and take care of him. It's been a rough day so far...and last night was a rough night as well. I don't really feel well enough to be on the computer for too long, so this post will most likely be small. But I hope to get better soon so I can go back to being a happy "preggers!" Ha.
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